Worship, Work, and Grace

This month we conclude our examination of Paul David Tripp’s book, “What did you Expect?” by finishing Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage. So, what is it that produces a marriage of unity, understanding, and love? This kind of marriage is the result of a lifelong commitment to daily marital work and deep trust in God’s transforming grace. What produces a commitment to work and a trust in grace? There is only one thing, and one thing alone, that can form in you this commitment to toil and trust. It is worship.

Worship really is the foundation of a marriage that is not only good but good for the long run. Good marriages are built vertically before they are built horizontally. Troubled marriages are repaired vertically before they are ever repaired horizontally.

When it comes to marriage struggles, worship is the problem and worship is the cure. It is only when God is in his rightful place that other things will be in their rightful place. It is only when I love God above all else that I will love my spouse as I love myself. If love for God is not the practical driving force of my life, love of self will be. If God’s kingdom is not my reason for doing what I’m doing in my marriage, my kingdom will be. If I am not resting in God’s control, I will look to take control. If I don’t think that I am dependent on his grace, I probably won’t give my spouse grace.

This is the bottom line: the war for our marriages is a war of worship. the fundamental problem of every marriage is misplaced worship. The cure for every marriage is renewed worship of God. Although this principle is true of every marriage, the war and the cure look different for every couple, because the way the war plays out and the way the cure heals is different for each of us. It is different for each couple due to how God has hardwired us, who he placed us near, and where he has chosen for us to live. Yet, despite our differences, we all suffer from the same problem, and we all look to the same cure.

Whether you recognize it or not, you worship your way through every day. The question is, “What is it that you are worshiping?” It is only when a husband and wife are in love with the same King and live in practical pursuit of the same kingdom that they have any hope of functional unity, understanding, and love.

When your life is shaped by the worship of God, you don’t try to do his job. There are many exhausted, frustrated, and discouraged husbands and wives out there, because they are trying to do God’s job. You see, it doesn’t take long in marriage to be confronted with the reality that you have married a less than perfect person in need of growth and change. It is what you do with this realization that is so important.

There are husbands and wives who take it upon themselves to do God’s job and try to turn their spouse into the person he or she needs to be. Now, they may not be aware that this is what they are doing, but they do it nonetheless. They begin to buy into the delusion that by the tone and volume of their voice, the power of their arguments, the infliction of guilt, the threat of what may happen, or some other form of manipulation and control, they will be able to change the person they married. But the opposite is actually true. You and I have no ability whatsoever to change our spouse. And when we try, we tend to permit ourselves to be judgmental, critical, and condemning. We tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive. We tend to be more skilled at uncovering what is wrong than we are at encouraging what is right. As we do all this, we get more and more frustrated and discouraged, and the person we are working on feels disrespected and unloved, and the changes that take place are more negative than they are of positive personal growth.

When you live in your marriage with a constant God-awareness, you tend to be more willing and able to accept your limits. The more you live aware of God’s power, wisdom, holiness, faithfulness, and love, the more you will live humbly aware of how deeply needy you really are. It is when you are living in the light of God’s glory that you get the most accurate sense of who you are, and an accurate sense of self will always lead you to affirm how desperate your need for grace really is. This accurate sense of self then spills over to the way you view your life and the way you view others.

When you affirm how you have been the daily recipient of God’s patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love, there will tend to be a natural tenderness and patience in your responses to your spouse. When you forget who you are, when you forget your need of grace, it is very easy to be critical, condemning, harsh, and judgmental with your spouse. It is easy to allow yourself to be too quick to speak critically and too ready to give room to the self-righteous, I-am-better-than-you anger that is so destructive to a marriage.

People who love best are those deeply appreciative of the way they have been loved. People who forgive most faithfully and willingly are those who know they are in desperate need of daily forgiveness.

Identity amnesia always leads to identity replacement.

What we were designed to get vertically from a God who never changes or fails, we try to get horizontally from people, places, and things. When your life is shaped by the worship of God, people and things are in their right place. Human beings always look to something to give them identity, meaning, and purpose, and inner sense of well-being. We were created to get these things vertically, in relationship to—and in the worship of—God. Worship of God in your marriage will always protect you against fear and mobilize you to do things that, in fear, you would have shied away from. Worship is a lifestyle. It is a way of thinking about and responding to everything that is in your life—especially your marriage.

It really is true—a marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance. It is rooted in worship. It is when we love God more than we love ourselves and when we quit building our own little kingdom and start seeking his that we will love our spouse.

When we really do love our husband or wife, we will be willing to do the hard work that such love requires.

When we do the hard work that love requires, we will be humbled by how weak and needy we are when it comes to love, and we will begin to celebrate the love of God that is with us in our moment of greatest need.

When we are daily aware that we are being loved, we will be excited about loving our husband or wife in the same way.

And when our spouse is being treated with daily love, respect, and appreciation, they will be encouraged to love us in return.

Do you want this kind of marriage? If so, worship God above anything else. Do the hard work of love to which he has called you. And trust that he is with you with transforming grace in his hands. You can have a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. By his grace, you really can!

Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator, Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book ”What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.