If you’re married, chances are your spouse is very different from you. I’m not talking you like vanilla ice cream and your spouse likes chocolate. I’m talking fundamental core differences. You are an introvert, but she is the life of the party. You are a tightwad, I mean saver, and he doesn’t give a second thought to spending thousands of dollars on impulse. You are energized when taking risks, and she get knots in her stomach at the thought of being off a penny when balancing the checkbook. You feel the call of ministry and sacrificing your time and energy for others, but your spouse, not so much. You are spontaneous and love adventure, he is methodical and gains satisfaction from planning out every step of life’s journey. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Why does God do that?

We have found that the vast majority of couples are very different from each other. Sharon and I fall into that category as well. We have taken several different tests and assessments to measure style of influence, giftings, love languages, you name it. The results are always the same. We are complete opposites. Why does God do that? Why does God bring two people together to commit to a lifelong relationship when they are so different, and therefore, so likely to have many conflicts in their future life together? And how does He even cause that attraction in the first place? I think this definitely falls into the “His ways are not my ways” category.

Opposites do attract

If you’re an introvert, you admire how easily she relates to people and are drawn to her zest for living. After you’re married, you’re annoyed at how often she wants to “go out” and have fun while all you want to do is curl up on the couch and read a good book. What happened? When did she change? She used to like staying home and watching movies. Unfortunately, some of the very things that attracted us to our spouse in the dating process become annoyances later on when we’re married. You love him for his diligence and were attracted to his stability. Now he just seems boring. Sometimes it seems like God pulled a bait and switch on us. We thought we were marrying one person and what we got was someone else. This is one of the reasons that the first year of marriage can be a rocky year together. Your expectations of your new life together are different than you thought they would be. That’s why roughly 5% of all divorces happen in that first year. In fact the percentage increases steadily over the first four years to peak at 8%.  Of all the people that end up getting a divorce, 8% will do that in year four of their marriage. Then it gradually declines so that by year thirteen the rate is only 2%. The lesson here is stay committed and continue to work on your relationship. Not only does God honor and require that, it pays off with a much better marriage relationship.

Does God have a plan here?

I believe God brings together men and women in marriage who are very different for a reason. Ultimately, God’s design for marriage is to be a witness to the world and a living representation of His relationship to His bride, the church. God sent His son Jesus to sacrificially give His life so all people could have the opportunity to surrender their lives to His lordship and enter into an intimate love relationship with Him now—and for eternity.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

Ephesians 5: 25-28

Husbands need to sacrificially love their wives just as Christ loved His bride, the church, and gave himself up for her. And I mean sacrificially. Jesus willingly offered His life as a sacrifice for the very people that were crucifying him. The same people that cursed him, spit on him, betrayed him, mocked him, and abandoned him. His response was to ask his father to forgive them. Wow. I don’t know about you, but I can’t love like that without some supernatural love and grace from the Holy Spirit—the same Holy Spirit that was inside Jesus when he uttered those words.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5: 22-24

Wives have a responsibility to yield to their husbands leading as they would to the Lord. Why? Because God designed marriage to reflect His relationship to His bride, the church. Women, just as the church is subject to Christ, so wives should be subject to their husbands in everything. Submission or subjection implies bestowing honor and respect. As husbands need to give unconditional love to their wives. Wives are to focus on giving unconditional respect. Not because it is always earned or deserved, but because God designed it that way. And God always designs things for our benefit and blessing.

Next month we will continue to explore why God brings opposites together and how we can cooperate with God to bring about His ultimate purpose for marriage.