As a new year begins, many people reflect on the past year to evaluate how their year went. As 2010 was coming to a close, Sharon and I came to realize that our relationship was suffering from neglect among other things. If you are not intentional about cultivating your relationship, it will naturally settle into mediocrity—or worse.

We had a good talk and honestly shared just how we felt about each other and how our relationship was going. We discussed what steps we could take to improve our relationship and reaffirmed our love for each other and our commitment to be more intentional about making our relationship the most important next to our relationship with Jesus. This month, I want to share with you some of the things we are doing to restore intimacy and passion in our marriage.

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So there we were, the week after Christmas, traditionally an emotional letdown anyway from the buildup of Christmas week, finding ourselves feeling disconnected and distant from each other. We were two people getting along, but not enjoying the process. You don’t get to that place overnight. It happens gradually over time as we make daily choices to hold onto an offense, withhold affection, disengage emotionally, give our time and energy to other things, believe the worst about each other, shut down meaningful communication…the list could go on and on.

When you find your relationship in that place you have a choice to make. You can continue to deny anything is wrong and hope things change, or you can accept responsibility for your part of the mess and honestly and openly talk about the current condition of your realtionship and commit to change.

There are a host of things you could do at this point to restore intimacy in your relationship, but here is what we did:

Start by honestly telling your spouse how you feel

We just had another conflict where both of us felt hurt by what the other had said or done and were in the process of talking it through and resolving the conflict. It became clear to me that the conflict was simply a symptom of the bigger issue in our relationship which was our lack of intimacy and feeling disconnected. I just honestly told Sharon that I felt really distant from her and that it seemed like we were merely tolerating each other instead of enjoying each other. She agreed and said it felt like we were just existing—living parallel lives. At that point we didn’t enjoy each other’s company. We were polite—for the most part—but neither of us were satisfied with that. We had experienced more, and wanted more again.

Confess and ask forgiveness

Once we had shared with each other all the things that had bothered us and how the other’s words and actions had made us feel, it was time to take responsibility for the hurts we inflicted—whether intentional or not—and confess our wrong to each other and ask for forgiveness. If you skip this step you will never make meanungful progress in your marriage realtionship—or any relationship. Without accepting responsibility for hurts we caused and granting and receiving forgiveness, we give Satan a legal foothold in our lives and bitterness and resentment overwhelm us until the relationship is destroyed.

Discuss helpful strategies to solve your problems

Once we restored our relationship through confession and forgiveness, we were now ready to figure out what we could do to convey the love and commitment we had for each other. This list will vary for each couple, just as the reasons for conflicts will differ. Take the time to discuss possible solutions and make sure you both agree that you have a good strategy. Here are couple that are common to every couple.

1. Pursue intimacy with Jesus above all else (even your spouse)

I’m not talking about getting busier with church stuff. That can actually be harmful to your relationship if your spouse usually comes second to your church activity. What I’m talking about is our personal devotion to Jesus. Taking the time and effort to pursue intimacy with Jesus needs to be our first priority. As you become more intimate with Jesus, your marriage relationship will improve also because Jesus wants you to love your spouse as He loves you (the church, His bride).

2. Express love to your spouse in meaningful ways

Do you know what makes your spouse feel loved more than anything else? If you don’t, ask them. Or maybe you could both read and discuss the book, “The Five Love Languages” to help you discover how you receive love. As we say and do the things that cause our spouse to feel our love, their “love bank account” increases. When we eventually “make a withdrawal” from that account by saying or doing something that’s unintentionally annoying or hurtful, there are enough “funds” to prevent an “overdraft”. When your relationship is characterized by far more positives than negatives, you will both be able to overlook many “offenses”. However, if your relationship is charaterized by mostly infifference or negativity, even the slightest wrong can bring a major blowout.

This year we commit to make our relationship with Jesus our number one priority and then to give our relationship with each other the attention and energy it deserves. We know that if we accomplish those things, not only will we benefit, but everyone that comes in contact with us. By God’s grace we will succeed.

We pray the same for all of you in 2011. God bless!