What’s Your Love Language?

We’re in the heat of summer now and hopefully things are heating up in your marriage too! With the warm weather come numerous opportunities to take walks together, attend an outdoor concert, spend a day at a local beach, hunt for treasures at an open-air flea market, enjoy a romantic dinner at an outdoor café—or whatever you enjoy doing together. Don’t let summer’s many opportunities pass you by. Be intentional. Your relationship deserves it!

Speaking of being intentional, this month’s recommended resource, “The Five Love Languages” explores how we give and receive love. Early on in our marriage, Sharon and I heard Dr. Chapman on the radio talking about the Five Love Languages, so we decided to read the book. It was life-changing for us. We realized, like so many couples, that even though we loved each other dearly, we often expressed it in ways that were not meaningful to each other. Consequently, we felt unloved.

Once we were able to identify our love language (and you usually have more than one, although one is more predominant) we could be more intentional about expressing love in a way that was meaningful to each other. Dr. Chapman found that most people express love in the way they like to receive love (their own love language). Unfortunately, most couples have different love languages and therefore express love to each other in ways that are not as meaningful as they could be.

My primary love language is Words of Affirmation, so it comes natural for me to tell Sharon that I appreciate all she does for me and the family, what a great meal we just had, how nice she looks, etc. However, although she appreciates that, her love language is gifts, so what makes her feel loved is when I bring her something that tells her I have been thinking of her. I may be thinking of her often throughout the day, but if I don’t bring her something, such as flowers, leaving a note, even something as small as her favorite candy bar, she will not know it and therefore feel unloved.

Can you start to see the importance of knowing your spouses love language? I hope you enjoy this month’s article and highly recommend the book to you. It changed our life for the better. It can do the same for you!

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Dr. Gary Chapman, Christian counselor and author of “The Five Love Languages”, writes about the importance of being able to express love to your spouse in a way that your spouse can understand. He calls this type of communicating using the five love languages.

Chapman’s Five Emotional Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate’s self image and confidence.

Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner’s love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don’t have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse’s back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.

Determining Your Own Love Language

Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

* How do I express love to others?
* What do I complain about the most?
* What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse’s love language probably won’t be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, “We’re not talking comfort. We’re talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren’t connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn’t enough.”

Emotional Experiences
The number one emotional experience reported by folks is feeling the presence of God in their lives. The emotional high of being in love (which generally lasts around 2 years) is the second highest emotional experience that people reportedly have.

That is why it can be so difficult to try and talk some sense into someone who is in the midst of falling in love. Chapman stated that obsessive love can render people mentally incompetent. “There’s not much difference between being in love and being insane.”

Fading Tingle and Empty Love Tanks
After the first or second year of marriage, when the initial “tingle” is starting to fade, many couples find that their “love tanks” are empty. They may have been expressing love for their spouse, but in reality they were speaking a different love language. The best way to fill your spouse’s love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language. Usually, couples don’t have the same love language.

Tank Check

Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a “Tank Check” 3 nights a week for 3 weeks. Ask one another “How is your love tank tonight?” If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask “What can I do to help fill it?” Then do it to the best of your ability.

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