What did you expect?

For the next several months our posts will be based on the book “What did you expect?”, by Paul David Tripp. It’s the best book I’ve read for addressing why we struggle at times in our marriage, and not simply how to fix it. As we center our lives in Christ first, our marriage will align with God’s intended purpose for marriage—to bring glory to God and mirror His relationship to His bride, the Church.

This book can benefit any couple, at any stage in their marriage. Sharon and I have been married for 30 years and I found it enlightening and challenging. It would be especially helpful to those considering marriage or newly married to create a firm foundation to build on. This book gets to the core issues of a Christ-centered marital relationship and challenges you to consider what the scriptures have to say about creating a marriage of love, unity, and understanding.

This month, we are going to look at expectations. If there is one constant we have witnessed in our years helping couples prepare for marriage, it is that all couples have unrealistic expectations about what their marriage will/should be, and how their future spouse will live up to and contribute to the fulfillment of those expectations. Some are much more unrealistic than others, but all couples have unrealistic expectations—either spoken or unspoken.

“Unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment.”

Topical advice

One of the contributing factors to our unrealistic expectations is how we view and use Scripture. We can wrongly treat the Bible as an Encyclopedia, arranged by topic—a handy reference to solve whatever problems we may be encountering at the moment. So when thinking about marriage, we look up all the marriage passages. “But the Bible isn’t an encyclopedia; it is a story. It is a theologically annotated story. It is a story with God’s notes. this means that we cannot understand what the Bible has to say about marriage by looking only at the marriage passages, because there is a vast amount of biblical information about marriage not found in the marriage passages.”

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

Another reason we tend to have unrealistic expectations is we don’t want to mess up a good thing. The intoxicating power of premarital romance overpowers our desire to take a hard, honest look at reality—those things that every couple will face someday, somehow, someway. Early in our marriage, Sharon tried many times (unsuccessfully) to get me to a marriage seminar. I figured, why try to fix what wasn’t broken? Deep down though I didn’t want things to shake up. I was comfortable and didn’t want to change. When I finally took the plunge I did have to change some things, but those changes were for the better and improved my relationship with Sharon. From that point on I adopted an attitude of growth and change. I figured it would be foolish not to put in the effort to make our marriage the best it could be.

So what are some truths we can glean from Scripture that will allow us to view our relationship with realistic expectations?

You—and your marriage—live in a fallen world

Our marriages reside in the midst of a world that operates outside of God’s intended design. All of us—and our marriages—are impacted by the brokenness of our world. For some it may be the little mundane hassles of day-to-day living. For others it can be major issues that potentially change the course of your life and marriage. One thing is for certain: you will not escape the environment which God has chosen you to live. “It is not an accident that you are conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you have to deal with the things you do. None of this is fate, chance, or luck. It is all part of God’s redemptive plan. Acts 17 says that he determines the exact place where you live and the exact length of your life.”

Paul Tripp stated in his book, “I am persuaded that understanding your fallen world and God’s purpose for keeping you in it is foundational to building a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. God decided to leave you in this fallen world to live, love, and work, because he intended to use the difficulties you face to do something in you that couldn’t be done any other way.”

You are a sinner married to a sinner

We just don’t get to be married to someone perfect. We both bring something into our marriages that is destructive to what a marriage God intended it to be. That thing is called sin. Most of us do not intentionally set out to hurt our spouses. We don’t wake up thinking, “how can I disrespect my spouse and make them feel worthless”? We are broken people living in a broken world. If we minimize the struggles we both bring into the marriage, we will tend to turn moments of ministry into moments of anger. God loves your spouse and He has chosen you to be one of their primary tools of change. God will allow you to see, hear, and experience your spouse’s need for change so you can have a part in their rescue.

God is faithful, powerful, and willing

Sure, you live in a fallen world with a spouse that’s less than perfect. But you also must remember you are not alone in your struggle. The God who placed you where you live, lives there with you and is committed to providing everything you need. We recently celebrated Easter. Let’s consider the lessons the empty tomb of Jesus Christ teaches us.

First, it teaches that God is faithful. From the first sin in the garden and for thousands of years after, the sin of mankind demanded justice and payment. God promised that He would crush wrong once and for all. For thousands of years God did not grow tired or forget his promise. He orchestrated the events of history so that just at the right moment Jesus Christ would come and fulfill what had been promised.

The open tomb also reminds us that God is powerful. He has all authority and strength. Who else could have steered the course of history as God did? And to add an exclamation point, He conquered death! By God’s awesome power, Jesus shed his grave clothes and walked out of the tomb. The most powerful man on earth will still die and he is powerless to change that.

Finally, the empty tomb illustrates another amazing thing. It shows us that God is willing. Why would God go to such lengths to even notice us, let alone rescue us? Because he is willing. We need to understand and be aware that his motivation to rescue us was not a result of what he saw in us, but what is inside of Him. He is willing because He is full of grace, love, and mercy. Even when we are unwilling he is still willing.

So when someone sins against you or this fallen world dishes out more than you can take, don’t give up or run away. Stand in your brokenness and know that you are not alone. God is with you. He is faithful, powerful, and willing.

“Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope. Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope. God’s Word and God’s grace make both possible in your marriage.”

Are your expectations for your marriage realistic?

[divider]

Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book “What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.