We have finally reached the end of our series. This month we talk about Dr. Gottman’s 7th Principle for Making Marriage Work—Creating Shared Meaning. If your marriage is incorporating the first six principles, there’s a good chance your relationship is stable and happy. But you still may find yourself asking, “Is that all there is?” Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. What may be missing is a deeper sense of shared meaning. For those of us who are followers of Christ, our relationship with God—and our shared commitment to His Lordship—forms the backbone of a marriage with a deep sense of purpose and meaning.

You can follow the first six principles and have a reasonably happy, stable marriage, and yet miss what God intends for your life and your marriage if you don’t both share a love for God and are committed to following His ways. Your common commitment and shared faith in Jesus Christ is the foundation that you build your life—and marriage on.   Not only will your shared commitment enable you to weather the storms of life, but it will enhance and bring greater meaning and satisfaction to the sunny days as well. With this understanding that Jesus needs to be at the center of our lives and marriage, we can look at some other elements that Dr. Gottman has found valuable for creating Shared Meaning.

Developing a Culture

Usually when we think of culture, we think in terms of large ethnic groups or even countries where particular customs and cuisine prevail. But a culture can also be created by just two people who have agreed to share their lives together—rich with symbols, traditions, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become.

Developing a culture doesn’t mean a couple sees eye to eye on every aspect of their life’s philosophy. Instead there is a meshing. They find a way of honoring each others dreams even if they don’t always share them. The culture that they develop together incorporates both of their dreams. And it is flexible enough to change as husband and wife grow and develop. When a marriage has this shared sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock.

“A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.”

Family Traditions/Rituals

Creating informal rituals when you can connect emotionally is critical in a marriage. One common example is eating together for dinner. Though many families find this difficult with differing schedules, the simple act of eating together (with the TV off) can provide a regular means for family connection. Many experienced this as a child growing up and now find this time very important to creating and maintaining their own family relationships. Rituals and traditions don’t necessarily have to come from your childhood and family history. You can create your own. New rituals might even come from a sense of what you didn’t experience growing up. Maybe you seldom went on family vacations but now want that to be a part of your own family experience. Maybe holidays were a time of strife and conflict, so now you want to be intentional about making holidays a time when family can connect in healthy ways and enjoy each others company and create warm memories to cherish for a lifetime.

Sometimes traditions that don’t start out so momentous can become important for a family. In our family, we have a few traditions that our kids always look forward to each year. One tradition is going to the apple orchard to pick apples and eat fresh apple-cinnamon doughnuts and drink homemade apple cider. We did not go to the apple orchard the first time with the intention of creating a yearly tradition. It just developed into that because we all enjoyed the experience so much. The same holds true for our yearly excursion to cut down our Christmas tree. Our children, now grown-up, wouldn’t think of not going and we have to find a day that works for everyone with their varied work schedules. In the last few years, thanks to the advent of digital photography, our kids document the event and have a blast taking funny photos of each other.

Your Roles in Life

Our sense of our place in the world is based in part on the various roles we play—we are spouses, children, perhaps parents, and workers. From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our roles and our spouse’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension. Your marriage will feel deeper to the degree that your expectations of each other—what you feel each others place in your family ought to be—are similar. I’m not talking about who’s going to wash the dishes. I’m referring to the deeper feelings you expect of yourself and your spouse. For example, I believe that a husband should be, among other things, a protector and provider and Sharon sees herself as more of a nurturer. Another couple may see their roles as more egalitarian, or equal, where they both view their responsibility is to contribute financially to the family. These can both work because they are in agreement. However, if one was more traditional and the other egalitarian, there would be more friction. Having similar views about parenting—for example, the values you consider important to pass on to your children—can add greatly to a marriage’s meaning. This doesn’t mean you should (or even could) see eye to eye on everything. It just means that if you can be on the same page about your roles in life, it will add shared meaning to your relationship.

Personal Goals

Part of what makes life meaningful are the goals we strive to achieve. While we all have some very practical goals—like owning a house, or getting to a certain weight—we also have deeper, more spiritual goals. Many times we don’t talk about our deepest goals. Sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves these questions. But when we start, it gives us the opportunity to explore something that can have a profound impact on ourselves and our marriage. Not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest goals with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they can be a path toward making your union even richer.

Feeling a  sense of unity with your spouse on most of the deep, burning issues is unlikely to occur overnight. Exploring these issues together is really an ongoing, lifelong process. The goal shouldn’t be to agree on every aspect of what is profoundly meaningful to you, but to have a marriage where you are both open to each others most dearly held beliefs. The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the journey through life that you share.

What Now?

No book can solve all of your problems. But by these Seven Principles into your marriage you really can change the course of your relationship. Even making a small change in the course of your marriage can have a dramatic, positive effect over time. The catch, of course, is that you have to build on that change and keep it going.

“Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”

Let me leave you with this:

  • Strive to have at least 10 positive words, gestures, behaviors for every negative one.
  • Be intentional about connecting in a loving way with your spouse every day
  • Have high expectations for your marriage. Always be trying to make it even better.
  • Forgive yourself. Forgive your spouse. Extend grace especially when it hurts to do so.
  • Cultivate a thankful heart—first to God, and then—for your spouse. Tell them regularly why you’re thankful you’re married to them.

And finally, remember that your marriage is designed to display God’s glory to an unbelieving, skeptical world. Let’s bring glory to God as we sacrificially love our spouse. We will double blessed in the process.

We highly recommend purchasing The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work if you haven’t already done so. Dr. Gottman is the only person to devote the last three decades scientifically researching relationships. His research is used by nearly all of the “marriage experts” and has helped our own marriage tremendously. This series was merely a summary of his book. To reap the complete benefits of his research, I suggest you get the book and go through it as a couple. Remember, the health of your marriage will be determined by the effort you put into it.