How important do you think it is to allow yourself to be influenced by your spouse? Men, is being a strong spiritual leader to your family mean that you have all the answers and that you don’t need any help from your wife? Women, are you receptive to your husbands suggestions, or do you think he is as inept as mainstream media suggests he is? Dr. Gottman believes accepting influence from our spouse is important enough to be one of his 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. Do you agree or disagree?

[divider]

This month we are discussing what is, for some, a bit controversial, and for others, simply unnecessary. But Dr. Gottman has found that it’s important enough to be his 4th Principle for Making Marriages Work. That principle is being able to accept influence from your spouse. That doesn’t sound too unreasonable now does it? Simply put, it comes down to honoring and respecting each other and valuing what each brings to the relationship—and to your life together. Its conveying to your spouse that your opinions and feelings matter to me and giving consideration to those opinions and feelings before making decisions. It says “we are a team, we’re in this together and we need each other”.Unfortunately, husbands are much less likely to accept influence from their wives than wives are from their husbands. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power (influence) with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct. Obviously, it takes two to make or break a marriage, so men are not completely at fault here. It’s certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect, but Gottman’s research indicates that the vast majority of wives—even in unstable marriages—already do that. That is, they already let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often men do not return the favor.Right now some men reading this are thinking, “The Bible says that I am the spiritual leader in my family and that I am the head of my wife and she is to submit to me”. The Bible also says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”. Being the spiritual head of your family is not being a bully and demanding things are done your way. After all, do you really want to make decisions that leave your wife feeling disrespected? Is that loving your wife as God commands? Here’s the thing guys. You will be able to lead your family more effectively and your wife will want to submit to your leadership if you show her honor and respect by accepting her influence. Its not about who’s right or who get’s their way. Its about discussing things with each other and making sure each other is heard. Its about valuing each other more than the thing you want or the control you want.I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way. God blessed me with a submissive wife. Sharon readily accepts my influence and I thought I accepted hers. Unless of course she was basing her opinions on irrational fears and her aversion to taking risks. After all, God has not given us a spirit of fear and we should not give in to a spirit of fear. I must confess, I have inherited from my father a bit of “Ralph Kramden syndrome”. For those not familiar with “The Honeymooners” TV show, Jackie Gleason played a character named Ralph Kramden, a bus driver who was always looking for the big score. He got himself into more than one pickle by trying to “get rich quick”. Its hilarious to watch but not so hilarious to live out. God has blessed me with a talent that allows me to make a decent living when I have enough clients to keep busy. Some years back, when we were in the midst of some prosperous years, an opportunity was presented to me that could yield huge returns in a short amount of time. It seemed to me that this was a way to fulfill a vision God had given me concerning ministry, so I wanted to invest in it. When I presented it to Sharon, she was less than enthusiastic. She didn’t feel right about it. My thought was, when would she ever feel right about taking a risk? I attributed her feelings to her tendency to fear risk of any kind and tried to be more convincing. After a few days, she told me that she still didn’t feel right about it but that she would trust me and if I wanted to do it. So I invested A LOT of money in a risky stock. You know what happened. I lost all of it.

I learned three major things from that experience. Don’t invest in something you are not intimately acquainted with, invest in what you’re good at, and most importantly, listen to my wife and honor her feelings no matter how irrational they may seem. I determined from that time on that I would make no major decision without agreement with Sharon. And I mean real agreement, not just going along with it. Since than, I have missed out on some opportunities that would have been good, but I have also been saved from some bad ones. The point is my honoring and respecting Sharon is more important than any opportunity. I believe God honors that. And since I believe God is my provider, that is a sound strategy.

Next month—The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict.