Pretty boring conversation, huh? Not exactly what you might hear in a hollywood romantic movie. However, when couples engage in lots of chitchat like this—Gottman calls them “bids” for connection—its a good sign that they will stay happily married. The reason is because what’s really happening in these brief exchanges is an example of Gottman’s 3rd Principle for Making Marriages Work—they are turning toward each other. Couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily rarely have such small moments of connection. More often the husband and wife are in their own little worlds and seldom do they interact.
Hollywood would have you believe that romance and passion are obtained by serenading your beloved as she listens from her window, or meeting at the top of the Empire State building and gazing into each other’s eyes, or renting out The United Center so you can wine and dine your sweetheart at halfcourt, or some other grandiose scheme. The truth is real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know they are valued during the grind of everyday life.
Prolific author and speaker Kevin Leman, wrote his classic “Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Because Love Is an All-Day Affair” over 25 years ago. The basic principle is the key to romance and a satisfying sex life is not necessarily what happens in the bedroom—it starts in the kitchen. Its what goes on throughout the day as you connect—or don’t connect—that determines the passion level at night. Gottman is saying the same thing. Turning towards each other is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life. The bottom line is: couples who turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay married. Those that don’t tend to lose their way.
Is Your Emotional Bank Account Overdrawn?
Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get tough, when they’re faced with a major stress or conflict. Kind of like emotional overdraft protection. Because they have stored up goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times. However, the biggest payoff from this emotional bank account isn’t the cushion it offers when the couple is stressed. As I said earlier, turning toward your spouse in the little ways is also the key to long-lasting romance. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways.
The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage’s stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.
As beneficial as turning toward each other can be, it can feel hurtful and rejecting when your spouse does the opposite. Often couples turn away from each other not out of malice, but mindlessness. But sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing each other. For instance, it could be hostility over some festering, unresloved conflict. But many times when one spouse doesn’t feel the other connects enough, the cause is a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence. Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you need some space. There’s a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area. If connecting with your spouse like we’ve been discussing is not happening for you, the best thing you can do is talk it out. Examining your connectedness together will help you both learn how to give each other what you need.
Next month—Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You.
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