Just in case anyone noticed, we skipped our August newsletter last month. It’s been a little crazy in our house lately. We had one daughter get married and another have her first baby—which makes us first-time grandparents! With all the craziness that goes with those events, we decided to take a month off and relax. Now that we’re rested and recharged, let’s look at Dr. Gottman’s next Principle for Making Marriage work.

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Last time, we looked at how creating, enhancing, and maintaining a richly detailed “love map” is an important part of any deep friendship, and a determining factor in keeping your relationship on track through life’s stresses and disappointments. Enhancing this “love map” is Dr. Gottman’s 1st principle for making your marriage work.This month we’ll look at a new concept Dr. Gottman calls having a “Fondness and Admiration System”, which simply put means that despite any current difficulties you may be facing, your positive feelings and memories about each other and your past allow you to retain a fundamental sense that each other is worthy of being respected and even liked. To put it another way, even when you’ve been fighting you can look back at past events and experiences together and have fond memories. As you think about your past together you look at those experiences in a positive way.Gottman’s assertion is that even in marriages with significant trouble and discord, if a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable. That doesn’t mean it won’t be a hard, long road that requires sacrifice and work, but it can be done. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a marriage, according to Gottman, the relationship cannot be revived.Sharon and I are very different people. We have taken various tests and surveys over the years which have all confirmed what we already know—we are very different people. We have personality quirks that are annoying to each other. We have little annoying habits that can drive each other crazy at times. What we’ve noticed is when we have not been as intentional about connecting and loving each other as we should, those little annoyances become more annoying and often lead to conflict. However, when we’ve kept up the relationship and shown each other love and respect, we have a greater tolerance for those things and are able to overlook them. (A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 19:11).

Essentially, that’s what Gottman is saying here. As you nurture your fondness and admiration for each other by displaying love, respect, kindness, and consideration for each other, you prevent the little things from causing a stir and greatly reduce the impact of the major stressors. That’s because having a fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit. By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. In this way fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the “four horseman” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling).

If your mutual fondness and admiration have been completely extinguished, your marriage is in dire trouble. Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship?

The good news is that there’s nothing complicated about reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration. Even positive feelings that have long been buried can be exhumed simply by thinking and talking about them. You can do this by meditating awhile on your partner and what makes you cherish them. By taking the time to recall happy times and things you like about your partner you can revive positive feelings and fan the flames of your dying marriage. Even if your marriage is happy and stable, nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other is an excellent way to heighten the romance.

Next month—Principle 3: Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away