Last month we looked at 6 signs that you may have trouble in your marriage. This month we continue our series on Dr. John Gottman’s classic book about marriage relationships, “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” and look at his first principle for making marriage work.
How well do you know your spouse? Whether you’ve meen married 6 months or 60 years, we all change over time. We grow, develop and mature as individuals sometimes embracing new interests and passions. If we don’t keep connected and maintain our communication with our spouse, someday we could glance across the kitchen table and wonder who that stranger is sitting across from us. This month’s focus is on how to keep that love connection current and fresh.
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Dr. Gottman tells a story in his book about an extreme case of disconnection…“Rory was a pediatrician who ran an intensive care unit for babies. he was beloved at the hospital, where everybody called him Dr. Rory. He was a reserved man but capable of greast warmth, humor, and charm. He was also a workaholic who slept in the hospital an average of twenty nights a month. He didn’t know the names of his children’s friends, or even the name of the family dog. When he was asked where the back door to the house was, he turned to ask his wife, Lisa.His wife was upset with how little she saw of Rory and how emotionally unconnected to her he seemed to be. She frequently tried to make little gestures to show him she cared, but her attempts just annoyed him. She was left with a sense that he simply didn’t value her or their marriage.To this day I’m struck by the story of this couple. Here was an intellectually gifted man who didn’t even know the name of the family dog or how to find the back door! Of the many problems their relationship faced, perhaps the most fundamental was Rory’s schocking lack of knowledge about his home life. He had become so caught up in his work that little space was left over in his brain for the basics of his wife’s world.As bizarre as Rory’s rampant ignorance may sound, I have found that many married couples fall into a similar (if less dramatic) habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love modern art, but his wife couldn’t tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn’t remember the names of her friends or the coworker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her.”
In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. Dr. Gottman calls this having a richly detailed love map—that place in your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.
“If you don’t really know someone,
how can you truly love them?”
Any major change—from a job shift to a move to illness, or just the passage of time—can cause couples to lose their way without a detailed love map. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.
Love Maps Questionnaire
Here is a fun exercise to help you and your spouse determine how detailed your “love maps” are. By giving honest answers to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps.
Read each statement and check “T” for True or “F” for False
When you’re through discuss your answers with each other. If you didn’t know a particular thing about your spouse, take this opportunity to discover new things about your spouse and enhance your “love map”.
| T | F | STATEMENT |
|---|---|---|
| __ | __ | I can name my partner’s best friends |
| __ | __ | I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. |
| __ | __ | I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. |
| __ | __ | I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams |
| __ | __ | I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas. |
| __ | __ | I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life. |
| __ | __ | I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. |
| __ | __ | I know my partner’s favorite music |
| __ | __ | I can list my partner’s three favorite movies |
| __ | __ | My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. |
| __ | __ | I know the three most special times in my partner’s life. |
| __ | __ | I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child |
| __ | __ | I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. |
| __ | __ | I know my partner’s major current worries. |
| __ | __ | My spouse knows who my friends are. |
| __ | __ | I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. |
| __ | __ | I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner |
| __ | __ | Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now. |
| __ | __ | I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. |
| __ | __ | My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. |
Download a PDF of the Love Map Exercise
“There are few gifts a couple can give each other
greater than the joy that comes from
feeling known and understood.”
Next month—Principle 2: Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration
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