what-did-you-expectThis month we continue looking at Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage. If it is true that all the horizontal skirmishes a husband and wife have are rooted in a deeper war for the heart, and if it is true that a marriage must be fixed vertically before it is ever fixed horizontally, then the place where you win the war for your marriage is on your knees.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,
give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
—1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

If marriage is a flawed person living with a flawed person in a fallen world, and if the war for control of our hearts still rages, then we cannot, and must not, quit seeking God’s help for our marriage. There is nothing more important for our marriage than to pray without ceasing. There is never a moment in our marriage when we are not in need of the rescuing, enabling, delivering grace of the redeemer. There is never a moment when we do not need his wisdom, strength, and forgiveness. There is never a time when we have outgrown our need for his mercy. This side of heaven, we will never graduate from the school of grace.

Every day we face things that we had not anticipated we would face. Every day, temptations, sometimes subtle and sometimes powerful, greet us. Every day we sin against our spouses and are sinned against by them in some way. Every day we are greeted with the seductive voice of the kingdom of self, wooing us to live for nothing bigger than our wants, our needs, and our feelings.

Every day we are called to fight what is wrong and give ourselves to what is right. Every day we are called to humbly examine ourselves and to commit ourselves to change. Every day there are things in our marriage that need to be uprooted, and new and better things that need to be planted. Every day there is some issue for which we need the insight of biblical wisdom. Every day we must identify the places where we must say no and the places where we must say yes.

Every day we are called to love each other in ways that are practical and specific. Every day we must fight the things that distract us from loving, serving, and nurturing one another. Every day we must work to protect the unity, understanding, and love of our marriage. Every day we are called to give to our husband or wife the same grace that God has given us. Every day we must resist keeping a record of wrongs and instead genuinely forgive. Every day we need to look for ways to communicate encouragement, appreciation, and respect. Every day we are called to lay something down in order to capture an opportunity to love.

Let’s be honest. You and I are not up to the task. I can’t honestly say “I do all these things well.” In fact, when I consider God’s call for marriage, I can get a bit overwhelmed. But hear what I’m about to say next: this is exactly what marriage is meant to do. It is meant to be a tool in God’s hands to expose your heart and to drive you to the end of yourself. It is meant to expose your self-focus and self-reliance. It is meant to convince you that you are needier that you thought you were and to encourage you that God’s grace has more power to transform than you thought it did. Marriage is meant to teach you how to give, love, serve, forgive, support, encourage, and wait.

God is not only working to form your marriage into what he designed it to be; no, more foundationally he is working to reform you into what you were created to be. It is only as we grow and change that our marriages can thrive. So, feeling weak and unable is a good thing. The thing that keeps each of us from growing is not our assessment of weakness. The grace of God is greater than any weakness we may experience. No, the thing that keeps us from growing is our delusion of strength. Our marriage is harmed by our reliance on our own wisdom, righteousness, and strength.

The transforming power of prayer

Here is where prayer is so important and powerful. Prayer makes no sense unless two things are true. First, our lives do not belong to us. Since we have been created by God, everything we are, everything we have, and every situation and relationship in which we live belongs to him. Because we are his creatures, our number-one calling in every area of life is to worship him.

There is a second thing that must be true for prayer to make any sense. It is that sin makes us comprehensively needy. Every area of our personhood has been in some way damaged by sin. We don’t desire what we should. We don’t think as we should. We don’t speak as we should. We don’t act as we should. We need help. We need rescue. We need wisdom. We need forgiveness. We need strength.

In our marriage, prayer pushes us in all the right directions. It reminds us of the kinds of things we have said are so important to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. Daily prayer reinforces all the commitments we are tempted to forsake but that are vital to maintain. Prayer opens our eyes and our heart. Prayer is a necessary ingredient of a healthy marriage. On our knees is the best posture for our marriage.

When you forget God’s presence, promises, and provisions, either you tend to get overwhelmed and give up, or you try to do God’s job. Neither is a workable option. Prayer reminds you that you are never alone. Prayer reminds you that you are never left to your own righteousness, wisdom, and strength. Prayer reminds you that you have been graced with a Father’s love and that love will not let you go until it has changed you in every way that is needed.

Prayer reminds you that real life is found only when you forsake your little kingdom of one for the bigger and better call of the kingdom of God. Prayer is an active part of what it means to live for a bigger kingdom than your own. Real unity begins when a husband and wife quit trying to set the agenda for their marriage and begin, in practical everyday ways, to pursue God’s agenda together.

Prayer reminds you that your biggest marital struggles exist inside, not outside, of you. Real prayer always leaves you humbled because real prayer requires you to admit who you really are. Prayer confronts us with a humbling reality: we are only hooked by the evil outside of us because of the evil inside of us. No matter how long you have been married, no matter how much you have learned, grown, and changed, you must stay engaged in the battle (that war that rages in your heart between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God). You must not allow yourself to think that you have arrived, and you must not permit yourself to coast. The war will someday end and the fight will be over, because sin will one day be finally defeated, but today the sin still lives within you and I and the battle must still be fought.

The good news is you don’t have to fight alone. As you commit to watch and pray, God graces you with his forgiveness, protection, wisdom, and strength. He loves you with an everlasting love. He never grows tired of you or weary with your struggles. he never throws your failures in your face or uses your sins against you. He shed the blood of his Son so that in your struggles, you would have the forgiveness and power you need.

When you pray for your marriage, you remind yourself that you are not alone. When you pray, you remind yourself that grace has invaded your marriage, and because it has, there is hope.

Next month we will wrap up our series as we continue looking at Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage.

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Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book ”What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.