by Jim Burns, Ph.D.

Do you have a support system to help your marriage succeed? Every couple should have one! You may find it difficult to talk about your marriage to others, but finding and building relationships with others you trust – those who you can discuss the aspects of your marriage with – will provide rich benefits to your marriage in the long run. Couples who have a support system in place have a greater chance of their marriage surviving and thriving! Here are some suggestions for the kind of support system that can keep your marriage strong…

Find a marriage mentor(s). Build relationships with couples who are further along in the marriage process than you, in different stages of life. These are the people who have already “been there – done that.” They can give you perspective, advice and hope. If you grant them permission, they can speak to your “blind-spots” and let you know of signs of danger they may see in your marriage.

Develop marriage “peers”. Build relationships with other couples who are in the same general stages of marriage as you are. These are people who are “in the trenches” with you. They also can provide neutral perspective to what you experience in your marriage – but from peer’s point of view. These couples are great for giving you a helping hand when you need it – as they know what it is like to need help from time to time themselves. Return the favor whenever you can. These friends can be a wonderful source of community; providing a network of support and encouragement.

Share your marriage experience with younger couples. Over time, your marriage constitutes a wealth of experience that other, younger couples can benefit from. Become a marriage mentor. Build relationships with some newlyweds, or those who have been married fewer years and become a mentor – giving the same kinds of support and perspectives to others that you have received.

Encourage marriage-building ministry at your church. Your local church can be a wonderful source of support for your marriage. Marriage-building ministries can provide classroom type instruction through using resources such as books, videos, speakers and discussion. Small group discussions on marriage topics can be particularly helpful.

Take advantage of Christian marriage-building seminars when available. Ministries such as Marriage Enrichment and Family Life provide regional conferences for building and maintaining healthy marriages. Support can also be found while interacting with other couples at these conferences.

Read and discuss books on marriage with your spouse. Learning together about the things that make for a healthy marriage is another way to find support your marriage needs. There are many great, Christian books on marriage available. Let me suggest a couple: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Smalley and His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Find and join a formal, marriage support group. Formal marriage support groups exist – and often are extensions of church ministries or professional counseling practices or mental healthcare clinics. You can search for these groups in yellow page listings and on the internet.

Find a professional counselor. Some couples are in more need of support than others. Many of these couples can benefit through professional marriage counseling.

Where to start in the search for a good Christian counselor? I strongly suggest that you speak to your pastor to ask for their recommendation. Many pastors keep a list of counselors that they have confidence in. Alternatively, you might consider asking a trusted friend, if they have knowledge of good counselors in your area.

New Life Ministries: If you haven’t received any recommendations for a counselor, or can’t speak with anyone you know about your marriage problems, I suggest that you try calling New Life Ministries (1-800-NEW-LIFE). New Life has a network of counselors throughout the United States.

American Association of Christian Counselors –
website including a “find a counselor” process.

Christian Counselors Directory –
website listing over 1000 counselors and 600 mental health clinics.

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