By Jim Burns, Ph.D.
All marriages have problems. Knowing how we solve our problems will give us a much better handle on our goal, which is to create warmth and intimacy as well as rekindle romance in our relationship. When it comes to conflict, read my lips: Not all problems are resolvable! I wish more marriage experts would just ell us that from the beginning. Some problems we face are perpetual. These are problems that will always be in our lives in one form or another. You will have issues in your relationship where the best you can do is agree to disagree. When that is the case, move on. Don’t spend time looking for a way to resolve the problem. Rather, find a workable solution so you can both live with it. You do this every day at work with co-worker relationships, so make it happen with your spouse.
Most of our marital problems are not troubles worth putting the relationship in jeopardy over. Life isn’t an emergency. The conflict doesn’t usually matter as much as we make it matter. One of the helpful phrases of the late ‘90s was “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” and almost all stuff is small stuff! Another phrase to remember when we think about a problem that has no solution is what my grandpa used to say: “If the horse is dead, get off the horse!”
When the problem is solvable, and you want to give it your best shot with your spouse, you might want to consider following a simple five-point process of problem-solving that has been helpful to me (explained below). Keep in mind what I once heard author and speaker Barbara Johnson say: “Never let the problem to be solved become more important that the person to be loved.”
1. Find the real problem. Sometimes when we are communicating or in conflict with our spouse we are trying to hit a moving target. It’s important to stick with one issue at a time, and make sure it is the very problem you want to solve. If you are talking just to talk, that’s fine, but it isn’t problem-solving. As an example, let’s pretend that the problem is “We have too much debt in our lives.”
2. List alternative solutions. Whenever possible as a couple, take a look at various solutions and try to come up with a solution that both of you can support. Remember, people support what they help create. With a problem, if you can become a we, that is a great help. Let’s pretend that you came up with three possible solutions:
• Sell a car and pay off some debt.
• Either you or your spouse works more hours.
• Develop a budget with a plan to get out of debt.
3. Together, select a plan of action. Now that you have looked at the alternatives and discussed each of them, come up with a plan that works for both of you. If you need to write out the plan, do that. In this case, let’s pretend that you both chose the third solution: “Develop a budget with a plan to get out of debt.” This means that together you create a plan that works best for you as a couple. My suggestion is that you take the extra time to write out the plan on paper so you have something concrete that both of you agreed to follow.
4. Establish and enforce accountability. You developed a plan. Now you need to hold each other accountable to follow the plan. With this illustration, a simple weekly report on how you spent money compared to your plan is very easy to follow. For most problem-solving, a weekly check-in time works well.
5. Set up an evaluation procedure. Keep it very simple, but put together some kind of an evaluation procedure to help you assess how you are doing with the problem. If you have created a budget with a plan to get out of debt, it would be as simple as creating a check and balance to make sure you are following the plan and eventually reaching your goal of being out of debt.
This is a very simple and straightforward process that takes some of the emotion out of problem-solving and helps us focus on common language to deal with problems. IF we don’t create a common language to communicate, we really will fell like one of us is form Mars and the other is from Venus!
When spouses have major differences in communication style, working with each other is somewhat like learning another language. When they can find common words and phrases that make sense to both of them, all their shared activities (including problem-solving) will be more productive. They will get to their goals faster too, which means valuable time is not spent in frustration and anger with one another. Just imagine what all of this means in terms of building intimacy in our marriage relationships!
(Excerpted and adapted from the book Creating an Intimate Marriage by Jim Burns, Ph.D.)
Copyright © 2006 Jim Burns, Used with permission.
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