By Jim Burns, Ph.D.
No one likes to be nagged. Yet many parents resort to nagging as a primary – though negative – way to communicate their feelings and desires with family members. Positive communication is vital for maintaining a healthy family. Successful families talk and listen. Good communication does take work, but if you employ some of the following hints, you’ll be on the road to improving your communication skills and the health of your family.

Actively listen. Listening is the language of love. Listening communicates value, significance and worth. Good listening skills include:

  • giving a person your undivided attention
  • looking past the content of the words, taking notice of tone and body language
  • maintaining an accepting and open attitude
  • reflective and respectful questioning to help clarify your understanding
  • appropriate verbal responses to what is being communicated (i.e. not giving a blank stare, but replying – even if it is something like “I’m not sure what I think about that.”)

Be aware of your tone and body language when you speak. Do your best to make sure the message you send is the message you intend to send.

Avoid the “silent treatment.” Silence can wreak havoc on communication and relationships. The use of silence to stifle a conversation or as a weapon to frustrate or hurt a family member is never helpful. Sometimes, however, silence is appropriate to provide time to gather your thoughts. Yet, always communicate the purpose of your silence. For example, one might say, “I need some time to consider how to respond. Let’s talk about this at dinner.”

Be aware when emotions are running high. Sometimes a cooling-off period is required in order for good communication to occur.

Express how you feel. Sharing your feelings is important in effective communication.

Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. It’s better to say, “I feel hurt when we don’t communicate effectively,” than “You hurt me when you don’t listen to me.” “I” statements allow you to share your feelings with someone without blaming them.

Break the no-talk rule before it breaks your family. Healthy families talk on a regular basis. It is true: both parents and kids experience times where they don’t want to talk. Yet, each family member needs to be intentional and responsible to make sure that silence isn’t the rule, but the exception in your home. Try to find some regular time to talk with your family members: a family meal time, before your kids go to bed, etc. Make the attempt to create a habit of talking in your home.

In discussions, learn to ask open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”

Avoid discussion killers:

• Put-downs
• Identifying comments or questions as dumb
• Yelling, interrupting or talking-over another person
• Forced talk

Downplay your role as parental authority whenever possible. In discussion, learn and discover with your kids together. In differences of opinion, help kids think through what they believe and why the believe it. Defend your position without becoming authoritarian or over-emotional, if possible.

In communicating, provide affirmation whenever possible. Everyone needs affirmation! Regular use of statements like, “Great idea,” “That’s so clever,” “I would have never figured that out,” “Way to go,” “Good job,” etc. will cause your family to grow and thrive.

Bathe your family communication with plenty of love. Love is a trait that no family can get enough of. Loving words and loving deeds are certain ways to communicate value to your family member. Love builds a family. The Bible conveys that love binds people together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:14) and covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Printed by permission of HomeWord. For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com or call 800-397-9725.