3 Steps to Being More Assertive in Your Marriage

Ahh, the kids are in bed and you’ve just settled into your favorite spot on the couch for a Netflix session with your spouse. Now, what to watch? You scroll and scroll through the options, waiting for your partner to suggest something. A few things grab your interest, but you don’t say anything. What if they’re not into it? What if it’s not good? Your partner finally calls out an option. You’re not crazy about the choice, but you start it anyway. Then for the next 90 minutes, you sit silently wishing you’d picked something you wanted to watch – it had to be better than this!

This is a trivial example, but it’s a microcosm of the role of assertiveness in relationships. In the realm of good communication, assertiveness is the flip side of active listening. It’s being self-aware enough to know what we want and need, and then communicating that to our partner in an honest, respectful way. It’s giving your partner a fair shot at meeting your needs and wishes while also being accountable for your own happiness and satisfaction.

For some people, assertiveness comes relatively easily. You’re confident and comfortable asking for what you want; you don’t take it personally if you don’t always get it. It doesn’t hurt to ask, right? Or, maybe you’ve even been called out for being too assertive or domineering in some situations. For others, however, being assertive is a struggle, and it’s one that can build upon itself. You don’t voice your needs, so you don’t get them. You feel a lack of agency over your situation, causing you to feel even less confident. It can be a tough cycle to break, but it’s not impossible. Here are some ways you can begin being more assertive in your relationship:

1. Start small.

Like picking the movie, there are lots of other seemingly small choices you can make day-to-day to get more comfortable with speaking up about what you want. Next time you’re trying to decide what to do for dinner, choose takeout from your favorite restaurant without hesitation. Figuring out what you’re doing this weekend? Tell your spouse your ideal plans. You might be surprised by their reaction, or by how heartened you feel in making your ideal become reality.

2. Share a wish.

Think of something you’d like more or less of in your relationship, then share it with your partner. It can seem scary, even when your brain is telling you it shouldn’t be. Focus on using “I” statements, and share how you’d feel if your wish came true. It might sound something like, “I wish we spent less time on our phones when we’re together. I’d feel so much more connected to you.” You can explore this exercise and over 20 others in our Workbook for Couples, available for purchase here.

3. Speak up when you normally wouldn’t.

Once you’re more comfortable speaking up about smaller needs, wants, and wishes, you’ll hopefully feel more confident in bringing up slightly heftier issues. Pay attention to situations where you find yourself experiencing annoyance or resentment. Maybe it’s when your spouse checks in with you about attending a work dinner later this week. You feel a spark of irritation – it’s a really hectic week, and you were really hoping to spend some relaxing, quality time with them. It might be within your comfort zone to push those feelings aside and say, “Oh, okay. That’s fine.” Challenge yourself to voice your feelings instead. “Oh, I was really looking forward to relaxing with you at the end of this stressful week. Is there any way you can skip it and hang out with me?” Keep in mind that they might still have to go, or want to. That’s okay. By assertively voicing your feelings and preferable outcome, you’re giving them the opportunity to meet you halfway, which is better than stewing in unspoken resentment over the situation.

Becoming more assertive in your relationship isn’t something that happens overnight. Because of its cyclical nature, however, small changes can have a compounding positive effect: as your assertiveness increases, your self-confidence increases, which promotes continued assertiveness, and so on. As a component of good communication, it’s a skill that will pay dividends in all areas of your relationship.