Healthy Communication

As we continue looking at building and maintaining a healthy, connected marriage relationship when raising a family, this month we look at developing and maintaining healthy communication with our spouse.

You often hear people saying “having good communication is important in your marriage relationship”. But what does that mean exactly? After all, there are many aspects to communication and many ways to communicate.

We’re going to look at 4 different levels of communication, and then give you a recipe for creating effective, healthy communication.

Surface Talk

• Sharing the basic facts about yourself, events, activities, work, etc.
• Not very deep conversation
• Just chit-chat or small talk

This is the most basic level of conversation. We engage in these conversations not only with our spouse, but with friends, strangers, and people we meet. There’s not a lot of depth to these talks. They don’t reveal much about us deep down.

Business Talk

• Conversations about managing day-to-day life
• These conversations keep our family functioning
• Routines & Schedules; To-Do Lists; Kid’s Activities; Financial Decisions; Medical Decisions; Social Life and the list goes on…

These conversations are a bit more purposeful. They usually revolve around catching up with family life and getting things done. Without these conversations, our family wouldn’t function very well.

Problem Talk

• These conversations focus on the problems & challenges that arise in our marriage relationships
• These are important conversations to discuss differences and resolve conflicts
• Can also include confession, forgiveness, problem-solving, and strategizing

These conversations can be more emotionally-charged and stir up our emotions. They usually center around problems or challenges in our relationship and may cause conflict which then leads to discussing our hurts and how we feel, confessing and acknowledging our part in the conflict, and asking and receiving forgiveness. They can lead to deeper conversations during the process of conflict resolution as we are vulnerable and share with our spouse how we felt when we were hurt. It can also include strategizing and problem-solving to resolve current and future differences.

Heart Talk

• If all our conversations are just the first three types, it can lead to stale, boring marriages that drift apart
• Our marriages also need life-giving, conversations that reveal our hearts to our spouse
• These conversations will lead to deeper friendship and satisfaction in our marriage

These are conversations that involve discussing our emotions, dreams, fears, and anything that reveals our heart to our spouse. They usually involve honest, vulnerable discussions that reveal not only what we think, but what we feel about something or someone. I’m guessing these are the types of conversations Jesus might have had with His Father when he rose up early in the morning to go off on his own and pray. These conversations fill us up spiritually, emotionally, and build greater intimacy and connection. While you need the other three types of conversation to live and get things done, Heart Talk feeds your soul and creates a greater bond between you and your spouse.

Now that we have identified the different types of communication, let’s take a look at some of the ingredients of effective, healthy communication.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.“

So, what are some ingredients for creating effective, healthy communication?

Grace and Humility

It’s easy to talk with someone who is gracious, isn’t it? You know they’re not looking for opportunities to point out where you are wrong, or start an argument. They are open to hearing what you have to say and are attentive. You feel safe talking with them.

However, it can be difficult to show grace to others if you are not keenly aware of the grace you receive from God everyday. And that requires humility. Humility is simply having an accurate view of yourself and your condition. The truth is we are God’s beloved children—part of His family, BUT our place in God’s family was not earned by us. It was freely given by God through the sacrifice of Jesus His son, on the cross. We are saved by grace, and we live in that grace.

Our conversations with our spouse should be filled with the same grace that God freely gives us each day.

Soft Startup

Dr. John Gottman, the foremost relationship expert, can predict the outcome of a conversation 96% of the time based on just the first 3 minutes! So, how you start a conversation is really important! A harsh startup pretty much dooms the conversation to failure. If you begin a conversation that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a break, cool down, and start over. But, by starting a conversation calmly and respectfully, you and your partner are more likely to focus on the issue, rather than who’s to blame.

So let’s look at the components of a “Soft startup”…

Start gently—complain but don’t blame. A complaint merely describes a situation non-judgmentally. It describes how you feel. It asks for what you need. A criticism attacks the person’s character often using superlatives like, “always” and “never” as in “You’re always late” or “You never do what you say you will do”.

Use gentle body language and tone of voice. 56% of communication is nonverbal (body language), 37% is tone of voice, and only 7% are the actual words we speak.

Make “I” statements instead of “You” statements. Focus on what you feel and need, not on accusing and blaming your spouse.

Describe clearly, don’t judge. Do your best to present the issue clearly without being critical or judgemental.

Be polite, respectful, and appreciative. Most likely your spouse isn’t doing everything wrong, so express your appreciation for what they are doing well. Be polite and respectful in your communication.

“If your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note.“

Active Listening

Good listening skills are essential to healthy communication and a satisfying marriage relationship. Your ability to really hear and understand what your spouse is saying to you will greatly affect your relational intimacy and satisfaction. Active Listening skills can be useful in all types of communication, but it is especially important for Problem Talk and Heart Talk conversations.

Most conversations are comprised of some combination of content, feelings, and a mandate (the outcome we want). Let’s briefly look at these three components and how we address them in Active Listening.

Content

The CONTENT is the speaker’s main message and consists of more than just the words they speak. Many of the words we use have different meanings to other people based on their experiences, good or bad. So, we need to listen with our eyes, noticing gestures, body language and facial expressions to pick up what our spouse is meaning. Remember, 56% of communication is nonverbal, 37% is tone of voice, only 7% is actual words. You want to reflect the content of your spouse’s message in your own words, then ask for correction or confirmation that you heard it correctly.

Feelings

Reflecting feelings is more difficult than reflecting content because our own feelings about what our spouse said often get in the way of even hearing our spouse’s feelings. But if we can learn to accurately reflect our spouse’s feelings, he or she will feel compassionately heard. You want to reflect the feelings and emotions of your spouse’s message in your own words, then ask for correction or confirmation that you understand them correctly. Sometimes we need to notice what was NOT said by our spouse, but may have been implied through non-verbal communication or tone of voice.

Mandate

Most messages have in them something the speaker wants the listener to think about, talk about or do.  This is the mandate of the message. The mandate in a message may be direct as, “I want you to make your bed.”  But more often it is indirect and not mentioned specifically as in “This room is a mess.”  Where the mandate, “You need to clean up your room,”  is implied.

Again, we need to listen with our eyes, noticing gestures, body language and facial expressions to pick up what our mate is wanting us to do. There may be something your spouse wants you to do or talk about but they may not express it clearly. If you are unclear what your spouse may want, ask clarifying or probing questions to help discover what may be the unspoken mandate/wishes of your spouse.

Having a healthy marriage relationship can be challenging enough without kids, but especially during the parenting years, developing and maintaining healthy communication with your spouse is vital to building a marriage of love, understanding, and trust.

What are some good open-ended questions you can ask your spouse this week to stimulate deeper Heart Talk conversation? If you’re brave, ask your spouse if there is anything they have been wanting to talk with you about lately. Look for ways to be intentional to connect with your spouse in deeper, more meaningful ways—especially during the busyness of the parenting years.

For those of you in the Colorado Springs area, Sharon and I will be leading a 5-week class called, “Marital Harmony in Parenting” on Thursday’s 6:15 pm to 8:15 pm starting October 20th. Childcare is provided. You need to register on the Mountain Springs Church app HERE. Space is limited.