what-did-you-expectThis month we begin looking at Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage. Many of us have known couples who after 25 years of marriage, or more, decide to call it quits. We think “if they made it that long, why call it quits now?” How does that happen? For many, at some point in their relationship, they quit living as one and begin living separately together.

“Love doesn’t commit suicide. We have to kill it.
Though, it often simply dies of our neglect.”
—Diane Sollee

We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.

There is a sometimes subtle, but always dramatic, difference between standing as one to fight together the things that threaten your marriage and standing separately and keeping a record of the things the other does that make the marriage difficult for you. The first is an act of relational commitment; the second is a posture of self-preservation and survival. The first knows love means work; the second is done with the work of love. These couples decided to quit doing the things that grow a healthy marriage relationship, and when they quit, it didn’t take long for their marriage to be in trouble.

Now, get prepared because I am about to surprise you. I think they quit doing the good things that make a marriage strong and beautiful not because they had a bad marriage, but because they had a good marriage. At some point they quit watching and praying. At some point they began to lie back and enjoy the ride. These are not marriages without hope. These are marriages without work, and this side of heaven, walking away from the work never works.

Where things often go wrong

The sad thing about these kinds of marriages is how quietly they can go bad. They don’t notice they are coasting until major damage has been done. Your marriage may be good. It may even be great. You may have great communication and conflict resolution skills. You may have a solid and enjoyable friendship. But there is one thing you need to accept: your marriage may be great, but it is not safe. No marriage is all that it could be. Daily temptations and spiritual warfare are constant threats to you and your marriage. Good marriages are good because the people in those marriages are committed to doing daily things that keep their marriages good. Perhaps the greatest danger to a good marriage is a good marriage, because when things are good, we are tempted to give way to feelings of arrival and neglect the attitudes and disciplines that have, by God’s grace, made our marriage what it has become.

What it looks like to coast

Maybe you’re identifying with some of the things mentioned above but are not sure what coasting looks like. Here are six characteristics of a coasting couple:

1. Visual Lethargy

In some way, at some time, they all quit looking. That prized painting or poster that they had to have—and gave a special place on their wall—over time lost it’s luster. There comes a point when they are no longer even aware of it hanging there on the wall. It takes a visitor saying how much they love it for them to even take notice. They are no longer excited because they no longer see. They are living with lazy eyes. Such is the state of many married couples. Early in their relationship they listened and watched one another carefully. They were quick to spot problems and work things out. There wasn’t much about their relationship they took for granted. But, at some point, they began to feel they were okay, and they began to coast. At some point they quit being thankful and watchful. And when they quit, they began to let things creep into their marriage that they wouldn’t have tolerated before. Because they quit paying attention, they quit noticing things that needed attention, and because they quit noticing, they quit working on the things that needed work. Lazy eyes were a major part of what led their marriage to disaster. Where is there evidence in your marriage that you have been living with lazy eyes?

2. Habit inconsistency

There is no doubt about it—a marriage of unity, understanding, and love is the result of good attitudes, which result in the instituting of good habits. Couples may start their marriage committed to humility, honesty, vulnerability, healthy communication, quick conflict resolution, spiritual unity and forgiveness. These commitments resulted in a marriage that was godly, enjoyable, and fulfilling, and they both grew in the process. But they began to feel all too satisfied and all too comfortable, and they began to let their good habits slide. They became more and more inconsistent in doing the good things that make a marriage loving, peaceful, and strong. The more they became inconsistent, the more their marriage suffered until they reached the point where it seemed to them that they had an insurmountable set of problems, and they were overwhelmed at the thought of continuing. Are there good habits that were once a regular part of your life together that you have now forsaken?

3. Laziness

There are many lazy marriages out there. To be more accurate, the marriages aren’t lazy, the people are. They want good marriages, but they just don’t want to do the daily work necessary to keep them healthy. It’s great to have a garden and eat the fresh vegetables that come from it. It’s not so great to do the hard work of creating and maintaining a garden. There’s the tilling and planting and fertilizing and weeding that go along with the harvesting. Some couples are all about the harvesting, but expect a good crop without the tilling, planting, weeding and fertilizing. Without the necessary work to grow and maintain your marriage, it will become unsightly, overgrown with unresolved conflict and lifeless. Where is laziness damaging the health and fruitfulness of your marriage?

4. Impatience

Achieving a healthy marriage is a process. When I resist the processes that make a marriage beautiful and demand things in an instant, I am not resisting marriage or resisting my spouse—I am resisting God. It is God who designed change to be a process and not an event. It is God who chose to put flawed people together in the intensity and close proximity of the intimacy of marriage. God’s goal is to transform you at the core of your personhood—your heart. He is working so that everything you think, desire, say, and do is done in loyal and joyful service to him. God’s goal is not to deliver to you your well-thought-through dream of personal happiness. No, his goal is nothing less than holiness. Are there places where you are demanding in an instant what will only be formed through a process?

5. Responding to Discouragement

Let’s be honest. Marriage, at times, is discouraging. We will struggle at times with disappointment, and we will wonder if things will ever get better, and the fear of things staying the same will grip us. It’s in these moments that fighting discouragement with hope and battling doubt with faith is so important. Where do you get this hope and faith? It’s not found in your spouse or your circumstances. No, hope is found in one place and one place alone—in Jesus your Saviour, your brother, and your friend. He loves you and will never turn a deaf ear to your cries. So you have to fight the instinct to respond in discouragement and remember who you are and who God is and act in hope, even when hope is hard to see. Where are you tempted to respond in discouragement and fear?

6. Dining with the Enemy

When you quit paying attention, let go of good habits, allow yourself to be lazy and impatient, and respond in discouragement, you are inviting the Devil into your marriage to do his nasty work of deceit, division, and destruction. Remember, marriage is spiritual warfare. There really is good and evil. There is someone who fights against the unity, understanding, and love of your marriage.

So we must remain alert. We must resist growing tired and becoming lazy. We must refuse to give way to cynicism and discouragement. We must not demand in an instant what will only come as a result of a process. We must not do these things, because when we do we are dining with the Devil, and that never leads to anything good. Are there places right here, right now, in your marriage where you are giving the Devil an opportunity?

Next month we will continue looking at Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage.

[divider]

Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book ”What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.