This month’s post is part two of a three part series discussing how to cope with typical problems.

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Last month we looked at the typical problems of Stress and In-Laws. Maybe these aren’t problems for you. Maybe you were saying to yourself, “I don’t really have any issues with these things”. If that was true for you, then maybe we can accommodate you this month. I don’t know of too many people who aren’t touched by this month’s topics—Money, Sex, & Housework. If you have never had any conflicts over these topics, please contact me. I would love to talk with you and find out how you accomplished that. But for the rest of us, these can, at times, cause problems and conflicts. So here is some solid advice on how to deal with conflicts over Money, Sex, and Housework. For a more complete look at these areas, read Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Money, Money, Money

The task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes
And I would add, as followers of Christ, we need to know what God says about money and strive to be in unity as a couple regarding how we manage the resources God has given us. Whether their bank account is overflowing, or overdrawn, many couples encounter significant money conflicts. That’s because money is symbolic of many emotional needs and issues—such as security, power, control, selfishness, and pride—and goes to the core of our individual value system. Because of this, these conflicts are often perpetual problems. But when a simpler, solvable financial problem arises, the key to resolving it is to first understand a marriage’s task in this area—to find balance between the various things that money represents.

Solution: In many cases, some clearheaded budgeting is called for. Budgeting can help you get a handle on what you’re spending and therefore reveal what you value and need. To develop a good strategy pick up a good book that teaches sound, biblical, financial advice. There are a ton of them out there. There are a number of good resources at Crown.org. Remember, the goal is to get on the same page with your spouse about money. This will take compromise, understanding, and showing each other love and respect.

Sex

The task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other
No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are indirect, imprecise, and inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will somehow understand each other’s desires without much talk. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy, but when communication is filled with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result.

Solution: Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets you both feel safe. That means learning the right way to ask for what you want, and the appropriate way to react to your spouse’s requests. Because we feel so vulnerable, the key is to be gentle. If you don’t feel safe talking to your spouse about sensitive issues, go back and work on Principles 1–4. If you strive to really know your partner, nurture your fondness and admiration for them, turn toward them instead of away, and learn to accept their influence, you’ll be equipped to talk about sensitive issues and feel safe doing so. A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy, but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.

Housework

The task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork
When a husband doesn’t do his agreed-upon share of the housework, the wife usually feels disrespected and unsupported. Inevitably, this leads to resentment and a less satisfying marriage. On some level many men still consider housework to be a woman’s job. When the husband helps, he feels he should be applauded—but instead his wife points out what he did wrong, or demands he do more, which makes him defensive and likely to do less.

Solution: Guys, you probably saw this coming. Husbands need to do more housework! Now obviously every couple has a different situation and some husbands legitimately have little extra time after their work is done, and sometimes are busier than others, but in general husbands can help out more than they do now. Guys, if you need a little extra motivation, research has show that husbands who do their share of chores at home report a more satisfying sex life than in marriages where the husband is not doing his share. That doesn’t mean every husband must do 50% all the time. The key is not the actual amount, but his wife’s subjective view of whether or not it’s enough. This could look very different from couple to couple. The two things that are important is whether the husband does his chores without being asked (taking responsibility), and whether he is flexible in his duties to his wife’s needs (helping her out when she is tired even though its not his task). This conveys that all-important honor and respect to her.

Next week: Part 3: And Baby Makes Three…or Four…or Five…