This month’s post is part one of a three part series discussing how to cope with typical problems.

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How many times have you heard someone say, “a good marriage takes work”. Most people would readily agree with that statement, but what does that really mean? Every marriage is faced with certain emotional tasks that husband and wife need to accomplish together for the marriage to grow and deepen. These tasks come down to attaining a rich understanding of each other. A marriage needs this understanding in order for both people to feel safe and secure in it. When these tasks are not accomplished, the marriage feels not like a haven from the storm of life, but just another storm.

Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, a new baby: These are the most typical areas of marital conflict. Maybe some of these are hot buttons in your relationship. Even in very happy and stable marriages, these issues are perennials. Although every relationship is different, there’s a reason why these particular conflicts are so common—they touch upon some of the marriage’s most important work.

When there’s conflict in one of these six common areas, usually it’s because husband and wife have different ideas about these tasks, their importance, or how they should be accomplished. If the conflict is perpetual, no amount of problem-solving savvy will fix it. The tension will subside only when you both feel comfortable living with your ongoing difference. But when the issue is solvable, the challenge is to find the right strategy for conquering it. Listed below are 2 of the six most common hot spots in marriage, the tasks they each represent, and a brief summary of practical advice for addressing the solvable disagreements they often trigger. For a more complete look at these areas, read Dr. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Stress and More Stress

The task: Making your marriage a place of peace
There’s no doubt that work stress has become an increasing factor in marital dissatisfaction. Today’s couples work an average of 1,000 hours more each year than people did thirty years ago. There’s less time for talking, relaxing, eating, and even sleeping. You don’t hear “Honey, I’m home!” anymore because “Honey” is working too and has brought home a stack of papers to work on, or maybe she’s been waiting tables all day and the last thing she wants to do is wait on her man.

Solution: Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other. Build time to unwind into your daily schedule. Make it a ritual, whether it entails sitting on the sofa reading the mail, going for a walk or jog, or whatever will help you soothe yourself. Once you are both feeling relatively composed, come together to talk about each other’s day. Consider this a sanctioned whining session during which each person gets to complain about the stress of the day while the other is understanding and supportive.

Relations with In-Laws

The task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness”, or solidarity, between husband and wife.
Although mother-in-law jokes are the staple of many men comedians, the real family tension is far more frequently between the wife and her mother-in-law. Invariably the differences between the two women’s opinions, personalities, and life views become evident the more time they spend together. These conflicts usually surface early in the marriage. At the core of the tension is a turf war between the two women for the husband’s love. They are watching to see who the husband “backs” in situations. The husband just wishes the two women could get along.

Solution: The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife. So the husband must let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. He is a husband first, then a son. (For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 NASV).

Next week: Part 2: Money, Sex, and Housework