This month we will begin examining the daily commitments to live a lifestyle of reconciliation. When practiced, these commitments become daily habits that form the kind of marriage that God’s design intended and His grace can make possible. Commitment 1: We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness. This month, we will be looking at having a lifestyle of confession. Confession is the doorway to growth and change in your relationship. It is essential. It is fundamental. Without it you are relegated to a cycle of repeated and deepening patterns of misunderstanding, wrong, and conflict. With it, the future is bright and hopeful, no matter how big the issues that you are now facing.
“No change takes place in a marriage
that does not begin with confession.”
We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.
The daily habits of a confession lifestyle
So, what does it look like to take the grace of confession seriously, to get the elephant out of the room and make honest admission of wrong the regular habit of a marriage? Well, here are the daily habits of a confession lifestyle.
1. We will be lovingly honest.
Confession requires honesty. It requires a willingness to approach the other when he or she has acted or spoken in a way that God says is wrong. We must be committed to deal with such issues in a way that is driven by Christlike love. This means that before we can speak to the other’s heart issues, we first need to deal with the hurt, anger, and bitterness of our own heart. Remember, truth not spoken in love ceases to be helpful because the message gets twisted and distorted by other human emotions and agendas. When we approach our spouse, we are seeking to help her see what God wants her to see. Remember, we cannot confess to that which we do not see.
2. We will be humble when exposed.
Humility, when we are approached by the other, means willingness to consider. It means quieting that background noise of our inner defense system. It means remembering that we have not yet arrived, that we are still sinners in need of daily grace, and that at this moment we are being loved by our Redeemer. Humility means the willingness to look in the mirror of God’s Word and being glad that whatever we see there has already been covered by the blood of Jesus.
3. We will not excuse.
It is such a typical impulse for us all: someone points out a wrong and we are immediately filled with an alternative view that places us in a very different light. Refusal to excuse means resisting the urge to build arguments for our righteousness. It means refusing to turn the tables on the other, making sure he or she knows that we are not the only sinner in the room.
4. We will be quick to admit wrong.
There are few things that contribute more to the health of a marriage than the commitment to keep short accounts. We refuse to pout. We refuse to live in the silence of hurt, anger, and vengeance. When we have done wrong, we will be quick to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. If we have been wronged, we will be quick to approach the other and lovingly help him to see what he has said and done. We will make our approach in a spirit of forgiveness and hope. We will refuse to let the “sun go down on our anger” (Eph. 4:26).
5. We will listen and examine.
Each of us has to work to quiet our emotions and the self-righteous tendencies of our hearts. When approached, we all need to require ourselves to hear clearly and to think carefully. This means working to understand and consider. It means taking the light that is handed to us by the words of the other and shining it on ourselves, being willing to see things about ourselves that we have never seen before. Change is not only about admitting wrong; it is about progressively growing in self-knowledge. It is about being ready, willing, and waiting to learn new things about ourselves and our marriage that will lead to lasting growth and change.
6. We will greet confession with encouragement.
Few things crush a confession lifestyle more quickly than judgement. It is a tendency in every sinner to want the person who has hurt us to hurt in the same way that we have been hurt. We want the other to feel the sting as well. Nothing encourages the courage of confession more than grace. If God were only a judge, nobody would confess anything to him. It is his goodness that leads us to repentance. His love draws us. His grace encourages us. His patience gives us hope. So we run to him, not away from him. When we greet the confession with the same grace that we have been given by the Lord, we give the other courage and hope to confess all the more.
7. We will be patient, persevering, and gentle in the face of wrong.
The fact of the matter is that change is most often a process and seldom an event. Change can happen chaotically. He will put the need to change before us in the most inopportune moments. He will not submit to our schedule or agenda for our day. He has not promised that change will be enjoyable each time or a comfortable process over the long haul. He has promised to stay near us, giving us everything we need, and he has guaranteed that we will be more than we ever thought we could be. So, he calls us to be patient. he calls us to be willing to wait. he calls us to continue when continuing is hard, and as we are continuing, to look for any way we can to incarnate his transforming love.
8. We will not return to the past.
Sadly, many marriages are held hostage by the past. Every current discussion of wrong gets kidnapped by the failures and hurts of the past. without realizing it, couples fall into a hopeless and discouraging pattern of having the same conversation over and over again. Eventually they reach the point where they simply do not want to talk to one another anymore; it’s just too painful. The conversations don’t move toward resolution; each conversation is just a reminder of how bad things are and of how long they have been that way. The remedy is to establish a pattern of short accounts where a daily cycle of confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation settles issues, alleviating any need to address them again. And we will resist, in moments of hurt and anger, resurrecting what has already been resolved.
9. We will put our hope in Christ.
Confession is all about hope. This hope is at the cross of Jesus Christ. He came to earth and lived the perfect life that we could not live. He became the perfect sacrificial lamb, taking our sins on himself, satisfying the Father’s wrath and purchasing our forgiveness. he suffered the rejection of his Father so that we would be accepted. he walked out od the tomb, defeating death and making the hope of eternal life a reality.
What does this have to do with marriage? Everything!
When the shadow of the cross hangs over our marriage, we live and relate differently. We are no longer afraid to look at ourselves. We are no longer surprised by our sin. We no longer have to work to present ourselves as righteous. We say good-bye to finger-pointing and self-excusing. We abandon our record of wrongs. we settle issues quickly. And we do all these things because we know that everything we need to confess has already been forgiven, and what is needed for every new step we will take has already been supplied. We can live in the liberating light of humility and honesty, a needy and tender sinner living with a needy and tender sinner, no longer defensive and no longer afraid, together growing nearer to one another as we grow to be more like him.
Who wouldn’t want a marriage like that?
[divider]
Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book “What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.
Leave A Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.