As promised, this month’s post talks about how husbands can build more intimacy with their wife. Obviously, not all these tips will apply to every woman, but they have been drawn from research done by respected authors and professionals in the field of psychology and marriage relationships and are a good representation of what women need to have a more intimate relationship with their husband. I have edited and compiled a short list from books and articles I’ve read to focus in on a few key areas we, as husbands, can concentrate on. The Bible exhorts us to love our wives as Christ loves the church. As husbands, our charge is to first pursue an intimate relationship with Jesus, and then our wives. I hope these practical tips will help you in that endeavor.

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Only the truly uninformed still fail to recognize that there are fundamental differences between men and women. Even science has validated what God proclaimed from the very beginning, that He made them “male and female”. Besides the obvious physical differences, there are also some not-so-obvious physiological distinctions that reveal the contrast in how men and women feel, think, and act. When we learn to cherish and value those differences in each other instead of looking at them as our partner’s flaws, we align ourselves with the very purpose God designed marriage to fulfill between a man and a woman.Women primarily want to be loved and cherished. The problem arises when we try to express that love to our wives. Both men and women receive love in different ways. We may be putting forth our best effort to love our wives, but she may not even be receiving it. In fact, she may be resentful because what she really wants from you, you’re not giving. Dr. Gary Chapman offers us help in his classic book, “The Five Love Languages“. Dr. Chapman asserts that everyone has one or two primary love languages that when expressed, make them feel loved. These five languages are general and it may take some careful studying of your wife to hone-in on her unique style, but its an excellent place to start. Without knowing your wife’s love language, all your best efforts to show love could be wasted. Briefly, here are Dr. Chapman’s Five Love Languages:1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical TouchAlthough, your wife probably has one or two of these primary love languages, there are also things all husbands can practice to fulfill the core desires that are common to most women, thus building a more intimate relationship with your wife.Women Want to be Romanced
God designed both man and woman with a deep need for intimacy, and only God can—and should—completely fill that need. Women, in particular, have been created with a desire to be romanced. While ultimately, this desire is fulfilled when women allow themselves to be loved by God, women still desire romance from their husbands. They regularly ask internal questions like, “Am I lovely? Do you enjoy me? Am I worth pursuing, worth fighting for? Am I captivating?” As husbands, we would be wise to answer these questions positively, and not negatively. We can increase our intimacy by paying ongoing attention to our wives—knowing them, enjoying them, and spending time with them. What is it that really fulfills your wife’s desire for romance? A romantic intimate dinner? A long walk where you reveal your heart to your wife? A weekend away together without the kids? Planning something that she’s longed to do but didn’t think you knew about, or even cared about? Whatever it may be for your wife, be intentional, and do it regularly.

Women Want to be Heard and Validated
By now, most men realize that their wives don’t want them to “fix” their problems. They want their husbands to listen. I can hear some of you guys saying, “I’ve tried listening, but my wife still accuses me of not really listening”. Try putting the newspaper down, or turning the TV off, and making eye contact with her the next time she talks with you. Occasionally, give her verbal indications that you really are listening bycommenting on things she says. If you’ve done all that and your wife still thinks you’re not listening, realize that men and women handle emotions differently. Men want to discard the clutter of emotions and focus on the problem. But, for women, how they feel about the problem, is the real problem. When us husbands listen with an ear to hear, validate and empathize with our wives’ emotions about a problem, our wives feel that they have been heard, And that leads to a more intimate relationship.

Women Want Reassurance That They Are Loved and Beautiful
Most women have a fundamental insecurity about their husband’s love. They want to know that their husbands love them—today! Us husbands would do well to make it a top priority to reassure our wives that we love them…and not just when things are going well, but especially during times of conflict. Also, God has created women with an emotional need to know that their husbands still find them beautiful. In our culture that promotes scantily clad women in all forms of media, women subconciously compare themselves to these images and often find themselves not measuring up. So, when your wife asks you, “Do these pants make me look fat?” she’s not really asking about the fit of the pants. She’s wondering if she still rocks your world! We need to make an intentional effort to regularly remind our wives that we find them beautiful—on the outside and the inside—and that will lead to a more intimate relationship.

Women Want Emotional Security More Than Financial Security
Everyone knows women are concerned about the need for financial security in their homes. What many men don’t realize is that women value emotional security even more than financial security. Women crave the emotional security that their husband’s presence and connectedness creates. Practically speaking, wives want their husbands around them more—physically and emotionally—and would likely be willing to downsize their lifestyle to make it happen. Furthermore, for most women, sex is more about emotional connectedness than it is for men. If you husbands want the heat turned up inside the bedroom, you would be wise to cultivate closeness and emotional security with your wives outside the bedroom first.

While these are just a few examples of how you can build intimacy with your wife, if you improve in these areas, you will see a marked improvement in your relationship with your wife—and that will reap benefits for both of you.

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For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.
By Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn.
The Five Love Languages. By Dr. Gary Chapman.
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. By John & Stasi Eldredge.