Building Intimacy With Your Husband

If you asked women what their biggest complaint concerning their relationship with their husband is, the answer would involve lack of talking and expressing their feelings/emotion/desires. No surprises there. What women don’t realize is that men are not opposed to talking with their wives. They just would rather do it on their terms—in a way that is meaningful to them, and consistent with how they were created. Below are some things you can do to create shared communication with your husband, as well as other things you need to know about your husband if you want to build more intimacy in your marriage.Men want to share activities with their wives.Research has shown that even from an early age, when you put two girls in a room together with two chairs, they face the chairs toward each other so when they talk, they can look into each others eyes, read facial expressions, and feel connected. When you put two boys together, they also talk to each other, but they put their chairs side by side and talk looking straight ahead. Men have a tendency to open up and talk while engaging in activities. There’s something uncomfortable about sitting still and looking into someone’s eyes while they talk. Men would much rather converse while doing something, like: Walking together, playing sports together, working in the yard, hiking, etc. Keep in mind that even though men would rather talk during shared activities, they will not likely match your conversation output. Women are just more conversational. However, if you create the right atmosphere, you may be surprised at what comes out of your husband’s mouth when you least expect it.In fact, shared activities are so important to most men, that they feel more intimacy if their wives are just in the same general area. You don’t even have to be actively involved! One husband relayed a story of how, while he was painting the house outside, his wife came out and set up a lawn chair facing him while she sipped a cool drink and read a book. While she was soaking up the sun’s rays, he was soaking up her presence and felt loved and connected just because she wanted to be with him. Sharon still doesn’t understand how we can be building intimacy by watching a movie together. Afterall, we don’t even talk to each other! For me though, I feel more connected to her by sharing the experience with her. So wives, the next time your husband asks if you want to go to Home Depot with him, consider your answer carefully. You may be passing up an opportunity to build intimacy.Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn, author of For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, says research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them. In fact, A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating. It’s virtually impossible for a man to feel intimate and connected to his wife if he feels disrespected by her. Alot more could be said about this, and has been by Emerson Eggerichs, author of the best-selling book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs. I highly recommend this book for both husband and wife to read. It made a real impact in our marriage.Men want more sex.
Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). And, its definitely true that men are hardwired to desire more sex. But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired. And when when a man feels loved by his wife, it builds intimacy. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why, for wives, making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.
True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. If a husband makes an effort to do something romantic with his wife, and she is critical or belittles him, chances are there won’t be a second attempt. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

These are just a few examples of how you can build intimacy with your husband, but if you can master these areas, you will see a big improvement in your marriage—and may even discover your husband having long talks where he actually looks into your eyes—maybe.

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For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men.
By Shaunti Feldhahn.
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before—And After—You Marry. By Les & Leslie Parrott.