As Valentine’s Day approaches once again, you can almost smell the panic in many husbands and boyfriends knowing that their wives or girlfriends are wanting—and in many cases—perhaps even expecting something special to happen that day. I have a certain disdain for these “Hallmark” holidays contrived to sell more greeting cards, chocolates, and flowers than you can imagine. They have always seemed like a setup. Just another opportunity to disappoint my wife by not meeting her expectations. Thankfully, my wife, Sharon, is very gracious and appreciates whatever effort I muster during these holidays.

I can still remember my failure to acknowledge “Sweetest Day” when I was dating Sharon before we were married. I was blindsided. I had no idea that was such a big deal to some women. As a result, we had some good discussions regarding expectations and what made Sharon feel loved. You can believe I didn’t pass up the opportunity to redeem myself when her birthday rolled around a few weeks later. At the time, Sharon was a 1st- & 2nd-grade teacher, so I had a clown show up at her classroom with a bunch of helium balloons. It was a hit! Especially with her young students. Thankfully, my wife has not held me to that standard or expected me to outdo the previous year’s efforts each year, but at least that year, I strutted out of the dog house in victory.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a believer in romance—and romancing your spouse—but if special holidays and occasions are the only time you make an effort, YOU may end up in the doghouse yourself. As nice as flowers and chocolates, and candlelight dinners are, they are only a small piece of your marriage relationship puzzle. As author Paul Tripp likes to say, “The character of your marriage is not defined by the 3 or 4 big moments in your life, but by the 10,000 little, seemingly unimportant moments.” That is to say, the hundreds of little choices you make regarding your marriage relationship each day will have a greater impact than the super expensive night out, the once-in-a-lifetime trip, or the shiny new car with a big red bow on top. It’s the little decisions and ways we interact with each other daily that determine the health of a relationship—especially your marriage relationship.

“The character of your marriage is not defined by the 3 or 4 big moments in your life, but by the 10,000 little, seemingly unimportant moments.”

So what are some ways we can be intentional about daily creating greater intimacy and friendship in our marriage?

Get to know your spouse in a deeper way

What stresses your spouse? What calms them? What are their aspirations and dreams? What are their childhood experiences? How have those impacted your marriage relationship now? What are their favorite restaurants, hangouts, activities, movies, colors, etc? Who are their best friends, favorite relatives, people they would rather avoid, mentors, confidants, heroes, etc? No matter how long you’ve been married, there are probably some things you don’t know about your spouse because we are always growing and changing as individuals. Take time to really get to know your spouse and watch your intimacy and friendship grow.

Cultivate your appreciation & admiration

If we are not careful and intentional, we can let our relationship drift and become stagnant. We can start taking each other for granted. It happens all the time. If you don’t make the effort to stay connected, the default is to coast and drift apart. Sometimes Sharon and I will be sitting across from each other and say, “Who are you?” We let life divert our attention and affections toward something else. We drifted. We coasted. And all of a sudden we feel disconnected and distant. When that happens, don’t panic. But don’t ignore it either. It’s time for you to rekindle the flame and ignite passion and intimacy once again. Reflect on the things you love and appreciate about your spouse, and then tell them. And don’t make it a one-time event, but make it a daily habit. And don’t forget to have fun together and invest in your relationship. The best marriages share a deep friendship at their core. Cultivate that friendship and watch intimacy grow.

Turn Towards One Another, Not Away

Remember when I said the character of your relationship is determined by thousands of little moments throughout the day? Many of those moments are what Dr. John Gottman calls “bids for connection”. When your husband gives you a pat on the behind, do you ignore it? When your wife is telling you about her day shopping, are you looking and listening or watching the game on TV? These are bids for connection, and whether we acknowledge and respond or ignore them will have a cumulative effect on our marriage relationship. Dr. Gottman says, “Couples who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict.” If you have a history and pattern of promoting goodwill and love in your relationship, you will be able to weather the storms of life with grace and togetherness. Make the choice to daily turn towards each other and not away.

“Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.”

Let Your Spouse Influence You

Traditionally, this has been more of a men’s issue than a woman’s—and still is—but with more women becoming the main breadwinners in the home, there is a bit of a shift occurring. According to Dr. Gottman, “Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” That’s powerful! Women tend to share power and influence more than men do, so husbands—listen up! Do you value and seek out the opinion of your wife in family matters? When she is discussing concerns with you does she feel heard and validated? When you have a disagreement, do you seek compromise leading to a win-win scenario, or is it your way or the highway? “The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when breaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.” Accepting influence doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing, but it does mean sincerely listening and validating, and reaching an understanding where both parties feel respected, heard, and satisfied.

Remember, what we do every day with our spouse—the little gestures and actions—will greatly determine the health and satisfaction we enjoy in our marriage. But you can bet I will be getting flowers on Valentine’s Day!

If you want to dig deeper into some of the principles shared in this post, pick up “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman.