Before Dark

This month we continue looking at Commitment 5: We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace. OK, you’ve acknowledged that you and your spouse are different. The problem you really need help with is not so much that you are different, but how your sinful choices when dealing with your differences deepen your trouble rather than solving it.

We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.

Dealing with reality

So, what should you do as you are confronted with daily differences between you and your spouse when it comes to the way that you think about and respond to the issues and situations of daily life? Let me suggest steps of a productive pattern that will work to strengthen the unity, understanding, and love of your marriage as it again and again calls you to reconcile with each other.

Face reality

It never works to deny, reject, or avoid reality. You simply cannot deal with reality in a way that leads to change by refusing to face it. Yet, that is exactly what many couples are attemting to do. They work to convince themselves that things are not as bad as they seem, that things will work out, or that they just need to give things a little more time. Perhaps they are afraid that in attempting to deal with things, they will just make things worse. But inaction is seldom an effective course of action leading to change. Reality is something you should always face. the truth is something you should not be afraid of.

Deal honestly with your anger

AS with reality, it never works to deny your anger. One of the most important steps in dealing with your differences is to admit to, and own, the things that are going on in your heart. You need to admit and confess when you have been irritated, impatient, or angry, and you need to own the wrong things you have done or said in those moments. However, you don’t need to bring up everything. It’s important to show grace and overlook minor offenses and differences if possible. Focus more on issues that are really important—differences in parenting, finances, where you attend church, etc.

Finally, commit to deal with your anger before you go to sleep. Ephesians 4: 26-27 exhorts us to “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give opportunity to the devil”. There are many things loaded in these words. First, when you are angry, resist going where your anger is leading you. When you do this, you are complicating your own trouble, layering more hurt on the hurt that is already there. Next, it is vital to address your anger in a timely manner, ideally before you go to sleep. In our 31 years of marriage there have only been a handful of times we couldn’t resolve our differences before going to bed. It’s an important principle because if you don’t you will give the devil an opportunity to do his best to bring division, deceit, resentment, and bitterness. If you give hurt and anger time, they will grow and deepen even though nothing further has happened! So keeping short accounts by dealing with your anger humbley and quickly is a great protection for you and your marriage.

Communicate in ways that are edifying

When you are dealing with your differences and the hurt and anger that has resulted, it is essential that you commit yourself to communicate with your spouse in a way that follows biblical standards—building up and not tearing down. Ephesians 4:29 tells us to “Let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear”. Wholesome communication is other-focused and other-directed. You say what you are saying in a way that considers your spouse, and you speak in a way that is helpful to them.

Run to your resources

As you’re dealing with your differences, it is important to remember that your marriage was never meant to exist in isolation. To be healthy, your marriage needs to be connected to a larger community that offers you resources that you could not access if left to yourselves. The community of help that God has designed for you is the church. Within your church there are probably couples who have walked through some of the things you’re now going through with your spouse. Also, God uses the teaching and preaching of the church to bring new life and revelation to us through the Word. And there are small groups where you can connect with other couples on a deeper level and learn from each other. Finally, there are books that can bring insight and hope to marriages in need of encouragement or help.

Resist the lies of the enemy

Make no mistake. There IS an enemy that prowls about like a roaring lion looking to devour you and your marriage. He will whisper two deadly lies into your ears: 1). “It’s not your fault.” He is working to convince you that you are okay, that you have no need to grow and change. He will work to convince you that your big problems are outside you, not inside you. 2). “You don’t have enough.” He will work to convince you that you simply do not have what you need to face the realities of your differences with hope and courage. He will tempt you to give in and give up. He will tempt you to run and hide. The enemy will use these two lies to take your marriage down the path of destruction. If he can get you to minimize your sin and doubt God’s provision, he’s got you.

Create something new

Marriage was never intended to be a lifelong series of his-way/her-way battles. Your home, your lifestyle, and your schedule shouldn’t reflect the vision, tastes, desires, decisions, or instincts, of one of you. No, God intended your lives to become so fundamentally intertwined, so beautifully woven together in every way, and so much a reflection of a daily commitment to cooperation, that the only term that could be used for your union is “one flesh”. In other words, by God’s grace you have made use of your differences to become better people, better able to be what God created you to be and do what he created you to do.

Next month we will begin looking at Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage.

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Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book ”What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.