As marriage mentors, Sharon and I have witnessed couples that had some pretty toxic patterns of communication. Their discussions were dominated by insults, accusations, put-downs, sarcasm, and contempt for each other. In fact, we would have to encourage them to find good things to say to each other.

While that may be an extreme example, most of us—including Sharon and myself—struggle from time to time with negative communication. If we’re honest with ourselves, many of us will admit to being irritated by our spouse at times. However, if we don’t have a strategy for how to respond positively when those irritations come, we will react impulsively and verbally lash out—and later regret what we said.

Scripture is clear concerning the power of words—both for good and evil.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword”

(Proverbs 12:18)

“The tongue has the power of life and death”

(Proverbs 18:21)

“For by your words you will be justified,
and by your words you will be condemned.”

(Matthew 12:37)

“Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious,
while the lips of a fool consume him;”

(Ecclesiastes 10:12)

“When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,
But he who restrains his lips is wise.”

(Proverbs 10:19)

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”

(Ephesians 4:29)

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Proverbs 16:24

If you are struggling with healthy, respectful communication with your spouse, it’s time to go fruit picking.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;”

(Galatians 5:22-23)

Self-control, patience.

When you’re irritated, angry or frustrated, don’t just say the first thing that comes to mind. Take some time to cool down and collect your thoughts. Dr. John Gottman refers to this irritated, angry condition as “flooded”. It’s a physiological condition that makes it almost impossible to communicate in a healthy way. Your heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline are elevated. You can’t think clearly. Your responses when flooded are usually reactionary, and rarely positive. At those times, you need to exercise self-control and take some time to collect your thoughts and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you why you feel the way you do (angry, frustrated, hurt, etc.). You need at least 30 minutes for your body to get back to normal. This can require patience, but it’s essential to thinking and hearing clearly from each other. When you’re ready to discuss your feelings with your spouse in a respectful way, you are ready to use your next fruits.

Kindness, gentleness, goodness, love.

How you come back together (your posture and attitude) will determine the success of your discussion. If you approach your spouse in humility and your speech is flavored with kindness and gentleness, the chances of successfully resolving your conflict are greatly increased. Dr. Gottman calls this a “soft start-up”. If however, you start by being defensive and accusatory, you might as well take another break and begin again later. Dr. Gottman calls this a “harsh start-up” and 96% of the time, when a discussion has a harsh start-up, it doesn’t end well. Your overall posture and attitude should be demonstrating love to your spouse—the unconditional love of Christ. Jesus demonstrated this kind of love by laying down all that was rightfully His and sacrificed himself for His bride, the Church. We are commanded to likewise have this same love for each other. This kind of love is especially needed when resolving hurts and extending and receiving forgiveness from each other.

Faithfulness.

We need to be committed to this healthy process of communication and conflict resolution even when it gets really hard. Even when we feel our spouse has used up their “70 x 7”. Our faithfulness to healthy communication with our spouse will create safety, security, and satisfaction in our marriages and lead us to reaping the final fruits of the spirit in our marriage relationship.

Joy and peace.

When your relationship with your spouse is in a healthy state and you are not harboring resentment or bitterness for past hurts that haven’t been discussed or forgiven, your relationship is filled with joy and peace. We call this having a “clean slate”. We are amazed at how many couples hang on to hurts and harbor resentment towards their spouse for past words or actions that wounded them. If you are intentional about discussing your hurts, resolving your conflicts, and forgiving each other, you don’t have a bunch of past offenses influencing how you relate to your spouse today—in the present. When you walk in forgiveness and honesty with your spouse you enjoy the fruits of joy and peace in your relationship.

If you have been struggling with unhealthy communication or holding onto past hurts and unforgiveness, I challenge you to go fruit picking and let the Holy Spirit transform your relationship from one of regret, and resentment to love, joy, and peace.