In case you weren’t aware, today is Groundhog Day. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Groundhog Day” starring Bill Murray, you know that he is a TV weather reporter covering the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutawney, PA. The problem is, every day he wakes up, he finds himself re-living the same day over and over again. Maybe you’ve felt like that at times or feel like that now in your marriage relationship. Unlike Bill Murray’s character in the movie, Phil Conners, there are things you can do to break the cycle of settling for every day being the same as every other day.

Author Paul Tripp often says that the big gestures and activities like the expensive dinner date or that dream vacation aren’t as important as the little things we do each day. “The character of a life isn’t set in ten big moments. The character of a life is set in ten thousand little moments of everyday life. It’s the themes of struggles that emerge from those little moments that reveal what’s really going on in our hearts.” Going on that dream vacation won’t improve your marriage relationship if you’ve been cold, distant, or hurtful to your spouse in the everyday moments of life. You’ll just experience the same conflict and pain in a much nicer location.

If we want to break the Groundhog Day cycle in our marriage we have to be willing to do something different. Don’t keep following the same patterns of behavior expecting different results.

There are many aspects to our relationship that can feel like Groundhog Day. Let’s look at a few:

Our patterns of communication

Are you looking into your spouse’s eyes as you talk with them, or are you paying more attention to your phone? Are you having the same dialogue day after day—How’s your day been? How have the kids been? What’s for dinner? What’s on TV tonight? Do you come home from work stressed and either shut down or have an attitude when your spouse wants to talk? What can you do differently to break that cycle? If your spouse is stressed and responds with an attitude, try approaching them, looking into their eyes while you touch them, and tenderly say to them that you love them and give them a couple of reasons why you love them. Be the one to break the cycle and show grace to your spouse. Maybe once in a while, you can put down the book or phone and have a deeper conversation (without distractions) about something that matters to you both. Maybe take time to dream together about your future. The important thing is to do something different to break your daily pattern.

The way we resolve conflicts

If you and your spouse find yourselves getting into the same conflicts over and over, maybe it’s as simple as changing how you go about talking things through and finding a better strategy for resolving your conflicts. But perhaps it’s an indication that you have unresolved hurts that have never been addressed and discussed at length and completely forgiven. If you want your relationship to be restored after you’ve been hurt by your spouse, you need to be vulnerable, open, and honest with your spouse about the pain they caused—whether it was intentional or not. The offending spouse needs to carefully and humbly listen without making excuses and validate their spouse’s feelings whether you meant to hurt them or not. Once your spouse feels heard and understood, offer your apology and ask them for forgiveness. The offended spouse should then grant them forgiveness. If you don’t talk conflicts through and truly forgive each other, bitterness and resentment will take hold and it will be easy for the same conflict–and new conflicts–to emerge again and again. Keep in mind that forgiveness for old wounds—especially wounds that go back years—can be a difficult process, but absolutely vital to the health of your marriage. If you or your spouse are having difficulty completely forgiving each other—or even someone else—I suggest you get together with a marriage mentor couple or licensed Christian therapist to help you in that process.

Our love life

This is a sensitive subject and one which is problematic in many marriages. If you are bored or dissatisfied with your love life, you tend to keep it to yourself. Maybe you tried discussing things once with your spouse and were shut down or ridiculed. It can be easy to settle for less and fall into a routine. Again, try something different. It can be as simple as sending your spouse a racy text or leaving them a note saying how much you love them and can’t wait for them to be together again. Maybe watch a romantic movie together or recount how you met and relive some great memories together. Play Dr. John Gottman’s Game of Hearts to help in the process. Take time to express how much you love each other and if you’re brave ask your spouse what you could do to make your love life more enjoyable and exciting. It’s usually little things that can make a big difference. Be creative.

Our daily routine

If you tend to do the same things day after day and are tired of the rut you’ve created, look for ways to get out of that rut and create new experiences to enjoy together. Try to find things you can do together to break the pattern and breathe new life into your daily routine. This will look different for each couple, especially depending on your stage in life—married without kids, married with kids, Married with older kids, or empty nesters. The internet allows us to search endlessly, so look for ideas to break your daily routine that interest you both and make a list so you can implement them when the time is right.

Our leisure activities

What do you enjoy doing together? Sharon and I don’t have many things that we both enjoy and can do together mainly because of physical limitations, but we like to take walks and go hiking. However, even though we enjoy doing that, occasionally, we try to find some different things to do to mix it up a bit. Maybe you have similar challenges when it comes to participating in leisure activities with your spouse. Again, make a list of things you might want to try together and see if that works for you. Hold on to the things that you both enjoy and discard the ones that don’t work out.

“The little things make a big difference”

Don’t let the demands of everyday life lull you into a Groundhog Day marriage. Remember, you are a team. Find ways to express your love and appreciation for each other. Find ways to break the cycles you are stuck in. Be the one to show grace, love, and mercy to your spouse when they don’t deserve it. Grace is most effective when it’s least deserved. Don’t expect things to change if you keep doing the same things. Do something different!