“Can’t we all just get along?” You’ve heard that phrase numerous times in the movies, in the news—maybe in your own home. This month we’re talking about the “C-word”, and I don’t mean commitment. Some regard Communication the most important dynamic in marriage. Good communication can enhance intimacy and perpetuate good will and positive feelings. It can minimize conflict, bring encouragement, and create emotional safety within a marriage. On the other hand, bad communication can create emotional wounds that are difficult to heal. It can lead to confusion, insecurity, fear, contempt, defensiveness, isolation, despair, hopelessness—and given enough time and opportunity—the death of your marriage.

This month we examine six habits of poor communication. Understanding them is the first step to avoiding them. To learn more about these habits in-depth, read Dr. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. Next month, we will examine 7 habits of healthy couples.

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The trait that is most closely linked to the success or failure of your marriage is your ability to communicate. Dr. John Gottman is one of the world’s leading experts on marriage. He claims that he often can determine if a couple is on the road to divorce by observing them interact on an issue of conflict. Much of Dr. Gottman’s findings center around the use of negativity as poor communication. In his excellent book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he writes about six poor habits of communication that are detrimental to building intimacy and developing healthy communication.

Dr. Gottman’s six poor communication habits are:
1. Harsh Start-ups
2. The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling
3. Flooding
4. Body Language
5. Failed Repair Attempts
6. Bad Memories

Harsh Start-Ups

A harsh start-up is when you start the conversation with some form of negativity like criticism, sarcasm, disrespect, etc. Harsh start-ups put the other person on the defensive before the conversation has a chance to get going on the right track.

The Four Horsemen

Dr. Gottman claims that certain types of negativity are more lethal to your relationship. His four horsemen are:

  1. Criticism: Complaints are normal but criticism deals more with your spouse’s character and personality.
  2. Contempt: This is long simmering negative thoughts about your partner that turn into disrespect.
  3. Defensiveness: This approach rarely ever works and usually turns the conversation into a blame game.
  4. Stonewalling: Eventually your partner tunes you out.
Flooding

This occurs when you or your spouse bombards the other with negative communication whether it is in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or any other negative approach. It’s a physiological change that occurs in your body in response to negativity. Your blood pressure and heart rate rise, and sometimes your adrenaline rises also. When you are flooded you cannot think or communicate rationally. When this occurs, the person who is flooded needs to take some time to cool-off—usually 20 to 30 minutes. Some people would assert that consistent nagging leads to flooding. One man described that when his wife starts nagging at him, he gets flooded and feels like she is taking her hand and just tapping on his chest until he blows up.

Body Language

Authorities tell us that good communication is more about body language than actual words. Sometimes your body language conveys to your spouse that you have quit listening. When you shut the other person out with your body language, usually the healthy communication is over.

Failed Repair Attempts

A repair attempt is a word, phrase or gesture that puts the brakes on the negativity and de-escalates the tension in a conversation. Sometimes a little humor or a kind word or gesture can turn a conversation from negative to productive. In a relationship that isn’t working, repair attempts usually fail and aren’t received by the spouse. Constant failed repair attempts are like that stress fracture that just keeps getting worse.

Bad Memories

When a couple is consumed with negativity it not only affects their present, but it can re-write their past, thus seriously jeopardizing their future. In almost all couples there are very good and happy memories, but if the relationship becomes increasingly negative they not only can’t remember the good times, they re-write their happy memories and only see the negative aspects. When this occurs, the relationship is in serious trouble.

Use these poor habits as a gauge to help measure how you are doing with your spouse in the area of communication. If you find yourself needing help, I suggest you talk with someone about your communication. Remember, “where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory” (Proverbs 11:14 NAS).

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Taken from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. ©1999. For more info about Dr. John Gottman or his books visit www.Gottman.com.