what-did-you-expectYou can have a marriage that is mutually satisfying while being honoring to God. You really can! Accepting who you are, resting in who God is, and living as he calls you to live will produce a harvest that is far better than the small-vision dreams that you are able to come up with on your own.

We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.

Here are six daily commitments that can become the daily habits of the kind of marriage that God’s design intended and his grace can make possible.

1. We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness. We will come clean and deal honestly with our sin, weakness, and failure.

It is only when we commit ourselves to daily patterns of humble confession, coupled with the willingness to quickly and completely forgive, that a marriage can exceed our limited expectations. These two things always need to be held together. Regular patterns of forgiveness give us the courage to continue to confess, and regular patterns of confession allow us to experience the joy of the restoration of forgiveness.

Why is this so hard for us? Why is this not a regular pattern in every marriage? What will this actually look like in the business of daily living?

2. We will make growth and change our agenda.

We will pull weeds. You would tend to think that dissatisfaction is the enemy of marriage, but, in fact, the opposite is true. We have the perverse ability to be all too easily satisfied. We tend to be willing to live with a marriage that falls tragically short of God’s wise and beautiful plan. We tend to settle for living parallel lives instead of striving for real love. We tend to br satisfied with low-grade bitterness and disappointment ratherthan working toward a pattern of real confession and forgiveness. We tend to settle for a relationship that is all about negotiating rights instead of one that loves to give and to serve.

How do you go about identifying weeds of wrong that need to be uprooted? How do you know what needs to be planted in their place? How can you work to make dissatisfaction a good thing, something that actually deepens your love and the functional quality of your marriage? How do you keep from being stuck in patterns that fall way short of God’s plan and fail to rely on the resources of God’s grace?

3. We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.

We simply cannot have a healthy, God-honoring, mutually satisfying marriage without trust. In a fallen world, trust is the fine china of a relationship. It is beautiful when it’s there, but it is surely delicate and breakable. When trust is broken, it can be very hard to repair. It is trust that allows a husband and wife to face all the internal and external threats to their unity, love, and understanding. It is trust that allows couples to weather the differences and discouragements that every marriage faces. It is trust that allows couples to talk with honesty and hope about the most personal and difficult things. There are two sides to trust. First, you must do everything you can to prove yourself trustworthy. Second, you must make the decision to entrust yourself into your spouse’s care.

What does a marriage look like where trust thrives? What does it look like to rebuild trust when it has been shattered? What are the characteristics of a relationship where trust is the glue?

4. We will commit to building a relationship of love.

You may be shocked at this, but I am convinced there are many marriages devoid of real love. Yes, there may be some respect and appreciation, and, yes, the couples may have learned how to avoid daily battles. They may enjoy doing some things together once in awhile, but the practical and personal sacrifices that define love are simply not there. These couples do not respond with mercy and grace in the face of one another’s weakness and failure. They don’t willingly sacrifice their agenda anf their comfort for the good of the other. They don’t look for ways to help and encourage. They don’t jump in and help the other bear the burdens of life in this fallen world.

What does real love in marriage look like? What are the daily sacrifices that love make? What does it mean to respond to your spouse in mercy? What does it mean to practically lay down your life for another person? What are the characteristics of a loving marriage?

5. We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

Celebrating the Creator, we will face our differences with hope.God places lilies next to rocks. He places trees next to streams. One way God establishes beauty is by putting things that are different next to each other. Isn’t this exactly what God does in marriage? He puts very different people next to each other. This is how he establishes the beauty of a marriage. The striking beauty of a marriage is when two very different people learn to celebrate and benefit from their differences and to be protected from their weaknesses by being sheltered by the other’s strength.

How often do you thank God for your spouse’s differences? How would your relationship change if you celebrated and honored your spouse for their differences? What can you do today to convey honor and appreciation for your spouse’s differences?

6. We will work to protect our marriage.

Watching and praying, we will work to protect our relationship. There are few things more dangerous to a marriage than the feeling of “arrival.” When a couple loses a healthy sense of need, patterns of laziness and inattention grow. No longer do they live with a shared sense of need for God’s help and protection. Every marriage requires divine intervention. Every marriage needs divine wisdom. Every couple will be pushed beyond the limits of their character. No husband and wife can do what they were designed to do in marriage without assistance. One of the beautiful things that marriage is meant to do is drive each of us away from habits of self-reliance into patterns of dependency on God.

What does it mean to have “watch and pray” patterns in your marriage? How should a couple measure their potential? How do we recognize signs of impending danger? What role does prayer play in a healthy marriage?

Let me encourage you not to be satisfied but to be needy and hungry. I don’t know for sure what you expected your marriage to be, but I can tell you for sure that whatever it now is, it can be better. God welcomes us all to a lifestyle of reconciling grace, where problems are faced and change really does taje palce and where we no longer repeat the same mistakes again and again. Sit down. take time. God is with you, and he has something better.

[divider]

Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book “What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.