By Jim Burns, Ph.D.
Recently, I watched a group of high school girls on the beach “check out” a handsome lifeguard. (Who says guys are the only ones who look at the scenery on the beach?) As the lifeguard leisurely walked to the water to cool off, the girls went crazy with excitement! One of the girls making the most noise sighed and exclaimed, “I’ve never seen such a babe! I think I’m in love!”
I don’t think her reaction was unusual. In fact, it was quite normal. I even remember saying very similar words when I was in high school and college (not about male lifeguards, of course). Let’s think about the girl’s remarks, though. The lifeguard may have been a babe, but I doubt that the girl was really “in love.” She was “in infatuation.” She was attracted to this young lifeguard on a physical level. Perhaps she even had a fantasy of walking hand in hand with him down the beach at sunset, but was she “in love”? Not at all.
I remember my first crush on a girl. Her name was Geri. She was absolutely beautiful. I was totally convinced that someday we would walk down the aisle together. I think I liked her most because she was a better baseball player than I was and she was also the only girl in elementary school who would play sports with us guys. I liked her for years. In fact, once in junior high school, I wrote a note to her and signed it with, “I love you.” From that day on she hardly ever talked to me. I think I scared her away. Was that love? No, it was infatuation. It was what is sometimes called, “puppy love.”
Infatuation is a normal part of life. Infatuation involves many of the same emotions and feelings that real love does. The major difference between love and infatuation is that real love stands the test of time.
From the moment I met Cathy (the woman who is now my wife), I was attracted to her. In fact, I was infatuated with her. I knew that I loved her, though, when I was still attracted to her after two and a half years of dating. Furthermore, I was committed to her. When I first met her, I had never imagined that she had the normal human faults that everyone else has. I imagined that she and our relationship were perfect. As time went on, I saw otherwise. Neither of us was (or is) perfect. The relationship wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t always easy. When even after an argument I still cared deeply for Cathy, then I knew that this was becoming more than infatuation. Real love stands the test of disagreements and of time.
There is no easy way to determine whether you are in love for keeps or not. If you are a teenager, something to think about is the statistic I’ve already mentioned: it is quite possible that you will “fall in love” about five different times between the ninth grade and your second year of college. As a teenager, you will experience different degrees of love, but the odds are against you marrying your high-school sweetheart and living happily ever after. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen. I am saying that the statistical odds are against it happening.
As I said before, there are no simple answers to the important question, “How do I know I’m in love?” I do, however, want to give you a few practical guidelines to help you decide if a particular person might be “the one”!
1. Are You Willing to Give 100 Percent of Yourself to Your Mate?
Do you believe your mate is willing to give 100 percent of himself or herself to you? True love is selfless love. Even when you are tired or have had a bad day, selfless love will enable you to meet the needs of your partner. A selfish love grows old quickly when its own needs are not being met.
2. Do You Like the Other Person?
I’ll never forget a scene in the movie Shenandoah. One young man approached another man to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father asked, “Do you like my daughter?” The young man answered, “I love your daughter!” The wise old father said, “I didn’t ask you if you loved her; I asked you, ‘Do you like her?’.” Sometimes people get married even though they don’t really like the personality or behavior of their partner. Often they think they’ll change the other person. This plan is rarely successful. So ask yourself if you like your partner even with his or her faults. And consider, too, whether you could live with his or her faults. And consider, too, whether you could live with his or her faults forever!
3. Are You Transparent With Each Other?
Is your relationship one in which you can be open and honest with each other? Open communication is one of the major tools in a positive relationship. I’ve never seen a good relationship that didn’t have this element of transparency.
4. Are You and Your Special Friend Too Dependent on Each Other?
There are two different types of relationships: “I love, therefore I need” and “I need, therefore I love.” The second type can be a real loser in the long-run. Many relationships, however, are based on this “I need, therefore I love” idea, and these usually end up down the drain. Either one person ceases to “need” and therefore ceases to “love,” or the other person gets tired of this total dependency and eventually leaves.
5. Is Your Love Self-Centered?
When a person is infatuated with someone, that person is often asking, “What’s in it for me?” This type of love involves getting rather than giving. A self-centered love is not a true love; it is counterfeit love. Our goal in love should be what the Greeks termed agape love. This is a love with no strings attached. It’s the same type of self-giving, self-sacrificing love that God has for you.
6. Do You Have a Mature Love for Jesus Christ?
I believe that a good test of true love is to ask if both people involved can honestly say, “I have a desire to be all that God wants me to be. I am willing to put the Lord Jesus Christ first in my own life and in my friend’s life. Our relationship to each other is second to my relationship with Christ.” The couples I know who are really doing well are those who have a good relationship with God individually and together as a couple. A love that is tied together with the love of God is the strongest kind of love.
I would suggest that you take a good hard look at the type of love Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 13. The qualities of love he describes in his “love chapter” can be a measuring stick to help you examine if you really are in love. When reading this chapter, look especially at the qualities of love in verses 4-7 (NIV):
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. The definition of love which Paul offers us here can help us honestly evaluate our love for another person.
Love is a uniquely wonderful experience. Unfortunately, the genuine experience of love can be closely imitated by an experience of infatuation. As time passes and presents us with storms to weather and new perspectives on our lives, we can then better distinguish between infatuation and real love. Right now, I think it could be important for you to deal with the questions that I present here, study the ideals of love that Paul sets forth, and trust God to show you His desire for your special relationship. And, as trite as it sounds, time is on your side.
Printed by permission of HomeWord. For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com or call 800-397-9725.